Blaming

When I first got clean and sober I was a master at blaming others for my own shortcomings. Very rarely was I at fault. If other people hadn't acted the way they did, I wouldn't have been forced to act the way I had to them. As I grew in understanding and self appraisal through working the 12 steps of AA I kind of followed the path of the song "Margaritaville": "...But I know it's nobody's fault.... It's somebody's fault.... It could be my fault.... It's my own damn fault...." Dang. I hate that.

My sponsor, that pig, would tell me to get out of the problem and into the solution rather than looking for someone at whom I could point my finger. (Who asked her? I mean, besides me and that is not the point I'm trying to make here anyway!) Slowly I began to see where it was a waste of time to try and identify who was to blame for any of the struggles I experienced. When I was focused on who should be blamed, I was focused on the problem. No matter who was at fault, the issue at hand had to be dealt with and that was what was important. I began to take responsibility (a bad word if ever there was one!) for my own actions and change the behaviors that caused myself difficulty. In situations that were not caused by my actions, the penchant for blame lingered. I couldn't seem to shake the tendency. I treated everything like it was a car accident; who is at fault and has to pay for the damage? Except even with a wreck there are other concerns that are dealt with before it comes down to fault. You know, little things like getting medical care for anyone that might have been injured or directing other traffic around the accident so that they don't become a part of it... Minor details such as that.

Now, if you haven't yet realized that I'm a really sick person allow me to prove to you that such is the case. Since I couldn't seem to discard this defect of character, I decided to try something else: I put it out there right in front of myself in an exaggerated manner. I started assigning blame for the week to various people in my life. Here is how it works:

On Friday, my friends and I name who is assigned blame for the coming week. Then no matter what happens, it is the assigned person's fault. For example, this week it's Char's fault. She went on a short holiday over the weekend (relaxing by the pool, having meals and snacks prepared for her and not having to help clean-up) and didn't invite us. Can you imagine?!?! She didn't even ask us if she could go! The nerve of some people! Obviously, she needs to be taught a lesson. So no matter what goes wrong, Char is to blame for it.

Last night I made biscuits for dinner and they didn't rise very well. This is Char's fault. She wasn't even here nor did I use her recipe, but that is irrelevant. The fact that I used baking powder that is 3 years old is also irrelevant. Because the biscuits turned out flat, I get to yell at her for it. Then this morning my daughter, Julie, spilled tea on the floor all because of Char. She filled Julie's mug too full - even though she was at work and nowhere near Julie's mug at the time.

Since blame is preordained, I simply skip right over that part and get onto the business of taking action; throwing away old baking powder and putting it on the grocery list so I remember to buy more or cleaning up the spill. Whatever the case may be.

This is totally nonsensical, but that is the beauty of it. It helps me to see how ludicrous it is to focus on who's to blame. What difference would it make? The situation is the same no matter who's to blame and still requires corrective action on my part, which is living in the solution. Many of us fall prey to blaming others for whatever goes wrong and this is just a fun way to remind myself how unimportant pointing the finger can be. Better to laugh and just get on with doing what needs to be done.

Have a good and sober day.