Children

I had tried to get sober before - before my marriage fell to pieces, before my children grew to despise me and to know that I was untrustworthy, before I lost my job and career - you know: Before. But I hadn't gotten sober. I'd try sobriety and be dry for a few weeks and then POOF! the insanity of that first drink would overcome me and I'd be off and boozing again. I'd make all sorts of promises to my wife and kids about how this was the last time. You know, I'd meant those promises when I'd made them, but I didn't keep them. Usually I'd break them within a few hours.

Eventually, I'd given away everything important in my life. I'd like to say that I lost it, but the truth is that I'd thrown it all away for the drink. That wasn't a conscious decision, it's just what happened. They say we alcoholics have lost the power of choice when it comes to alcohol and I reckon that's true for me. I never really put alcohol ahead of everything else, somehow it just always ended up first in line. When the drink became the only thing in line asking for my attention, I eagerly embraced it and blissfully followed it to hell, where it left me alone.

Now I was in a men's halfway house and I'd been sober for 3 whole months!! What a miracle! I'd never been sober this long and I felt great. I'd even worked the first step with a sponsor! Of course, that was the only step I'd worked because I wasn't going to start up with that Higher Power crap. I didn't trust that stuff. Growing up I'd gone to church with my folks but I'd since found out it was all a bunch of nonsense. What the bible and the preachers said was one thing, but what happened in real life was another. I'd prayed a million times asking God to keep my family together, let me keep my job and that kind of thing and look how well that turned out. I didn't want to hear anything about God, Higher Power or religion.


Still, I was excited by this new sobriety and wanted the whole world to know about it. I called my now adult son. When he answered the phone, I said, "Gary, it's dad." He hung up! That must have been a mistake. I called back and nobody answered. I tried a few more times with the same result. I had no idea how to contact my daughter. Hmmm... After a few days I called their mother, my ex-wife. I knew she'd be happy for me. She might coax my kids into talking to me, too. But when I reached her with the glorious news, she merely grunted. What was wrong with these people? I asked her what was up with the kids attitude and she replied: "Look, you say you're sober. Goodie for you. We've heard it before and we are sick of hearing it. We've moved on with our lives so quit calling Gary. He knows that anything you have to say to him is probably a lie, and Cindy doesn't even want you knowing which town she lives in let alone how to contact her. If you think I'm going to intercede with the kids on your behalf, you need your head examined. It was lovely talking to you. Goodbye."

I stared at the receiver in my hand, incredulous. I was stunned. Over the next few days, I was angry and then that faded into depression and self pity. I talked to my sponsor and he suggested I might want to work the rest of the steps. I told him I'd let him know. Right now, I was busy examining the shattered fragments of my world and had no time for steps.

Lower and lower into that pit of despair and self pity I sank. Eventually, I found myself on my knees crying out in anguish: "Why won't my children listen to me? Why won't they even give me a chance?" I was all alone but I heard a voice. "How do you think I feel?"

Whether my kids will eventually give me another chance remains to be seen. All I'm doing now is giving God and me another chance to fix what's wrong between us. And every day I ask myself: Do I treat my heavenly Father the way I want my earthly children to treat me?


Have a good and sober day.