Step 4

I work at a halfway house for women recovering from substance abuse, where I hold workshops on each of the 12 steps set down by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous. Since I, too, am in recovery I try to invite the old HP into all aspects of my life, particularly when I'm trying to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. One of my favorite ways to teach is by telling a story about living sobriety and showing others how I try (and sometimes fail) to apply the AA principles in everything I do. Since I was going to be teaching a workshop on step 4 in a couple of days and since I was driving around running errands, I asked the old HP for direction. (Driving is one of my favorite times to talk things over with the old HP.) God, help me think of a story about step 4, I petitioned Him.

Later on that evening I went to a meeting where we study the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I carry a Big Book around in my car so that I always have access to one. I turned around to look in the back seat and was startled by how much stuff was back there. It looked like a garbage dump! What a mess! I rooted around until I found my Big Book and hurried in for the meeting. Afterwards I jumped into my car, tossing the BB in the back, and took off for home. I was thinking about the stuff in the back seat all the way.

A friend of mine, also in recovery, is a clean freak. This woman is sick. She dusts her furnace and electrical outlets every week for heaven's sake! I still have defects of character and I'm still a sick alcoholic but, thank goodness, I'm not that sick! She and I laugh about how different we are in that respect. I like things to be picked up and neat but washing, dusting and scrubbing every week? I don't think so. But even I knew that my car needed attention.

Next morning, I didn't go into work until the afternoon so I steeled myself to deal with the back seat. Before doing so, I lingered over morning coffee. Then I put more effort into reading my meditation books than I had done in months. Oh! And looky here, I'd better do a load of laundry first! Finally, I quit procrastinating and went out to my car armed with trash bags.

I began sorting through it all: some clothes that had been donated to the women at the house (I'd never gotten around to hauling them inside), newspaper pages strewn all over (there was an article in the paper someone wanted me to read and I had yet to do so), some craft supplies (I'd agreed to transport them from one friend to another), trash (sometimes I eat fast food one the run) a bottle of soda (I'd forgotten it was back there). I got through it all in about 20 minutes. It hadn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be and I made a promise to myself to follow through with the commitments I'd made (clothes, craft stuff and newspaper) then neglected.

And it hit me: Neglects. They lead to regrets, that lead to resentments, which are the number 1 offender. Resentments cause more alcoholics to return to drinking than anything else. Resentments are also what we deal with when we work step 4. First, I had avoided dealing with the wreckage of my back seat. Next, I set my mind to taking care of the mess and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Then I resolved to take care of the things I was supposed to take care of earlier. No big deal. My car was clean. I had no doubt it would get dirty again, but that was what step 10 is for. And I had my story for the workshop. I'm very grateful that I keep the old HP close enough to see His hand in the little details of my sober life.

Have a good and sober day.