Want vs. Willing

When I first joined Alcoholics Anonymous, I had many misconceptions of things I thought I knew and understood. For example, I thought wanting to have something and willing to have it meant the same thing. Wrong. I had to be taught the subtle differences in the meaning and APPLICATION of these two words. (I put application is capitol letters because this weekend seemed to be filled with people wanting to have certain things but taking no action to achieve them.)

Even in the first part of the chapter "How It Works" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says: "....If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it...." suggests that they are two different concepts. I read those words numerous times before I was shown the difference. It was a bit of an effort to rearrange my thinking to adopt the correct understanding but finally I came to understand it like this.

I am willing to give my money to the mortgage company because I don't want to be homeless.

I am willing to stop and put gas in my car even though I'm running late because I don't want to walk the rest of the way when the car runs out of gas.

I am willing to avoid high-fat foods because I don't want to be overweight.

See the difference? I don't want the consequences, so I do the actions required to avoid them. How about this idea.

I don't want to go to a meeting tonight but I am not willing to pick up a drink again.

There are times that I just don't 'feel like it' and I want to do what I want to do. When I first got clean and sober, I was told to play the tape all the way through, meaning don't just think about the effect alcohol has on me; also think about what else happens when I drink. I can apply this attitude to any situation in my life. Take daily exercise (I'd much rather you take it away). This comes perilously close to discipline and I tend to dislike discipline. I don't have to want to exercise, I just have to do it. Or the steps, I don't have to want to write out my fourth step, I just have to do it. That is, if I want to stay sober.

Luckily, none of the 12 steps says 'cheerful' or 'delightfully'. That would often be beyond me. So even if I have to do things that I don't want to do in my journey of sobriety, I go ahead and do them because I want the sobriety that those who came before me have and I am willing to go to any length to get it. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. And sometimes, since I don't have to like it or be happy about it, I reserve the right to grumble a bit about it.

Have a good and sober day.