Step 2 of the recovery program ETA is:
"We come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
I view Step 2 as the only non-risk step in all of the 12. When we ask to be restored to sanity the worst that can happen is that we stay exactly as we are at the moment. Therefore, the only way to go is up! For this step we have to have an inkling of what sanity means to us, otherwise, how will we know if we have been restored?
Most people don't know what sanity is. I'm not joking. Bring up this topic in a meeting. People seem to tell what sanity is NOT. Ask around. You'll get a bunch of irrelevant answers. For example: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." is a frequent response. While this makes me all warm and fuzzy, it doesn't speak to sanity. Another goodie is: "Soundness of mind." Well, doesn't that just clear everything up?
What we are looking for here is what sanity means to you. This is something that goes into your spiritual toolbox. While we will all have some of the same things, no two toolboxes are exactly the same. Here are a few examples of sanity from my kit of spiritual tools as well as some of those I have gleaned from those with who I have worked step 2:
Sanity is putting the appropriate amount of emotion on any given situation.
This means that I don't make a mountain out of a mistake I made. If I snapped at someone, the end of the world will not be brought about by my harsh words. Everyone is not going to hate me and ETA isn't going to throw me out. This also means that if someone says something that hurts my feelings I don't tell myself, and/or others, " It doesn't matter" because it DOES. (This violates 'To Thine Own Self Be True.)
I don't have to attend every argument that I'm invited to.
And doesn't that suck! If some big poopy wants to start a fight with me I can walk away or just stand there refusing to give them control over my emotions. No amends are required for staring at someone while they make an ass out of themselves.
There are more choices than the extreme.
What???! Surely this can't be right! We live for extremes! However, believe it or not, most situations have middle ground and that is usually where sanity is found. We might have to search for it and ask our sponsor what middle ground there could possibly be in this instance, but we will find it.
Sanity is knowing that I can't please everyone all of the time.
Even knowing this is true doesn't prevent us from attempting to achieve it. Our egos kick in and we feel that we are one of the very few talented enough to bring about this Utopian state. Wrong. The harder we try, the crazier we become.
There are only 24 hours in each day and I have to sleep for some of those hours.
No day will have more than 24 hours no matter how well we handle things. Only so much fits into our waking hours and thinking we can get by on 3-4 hours of sleep forever is lunacy. (Hint: Lunacy and sanity are not the same thing.)
What does sanity mean to you?
Have a good and sober day.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Parasitism/Step 1
Here is the concept I explain to the ETA pigeons I help and/or work with. This comes before actual step one work and I make sure the concept is fully understood before we go any further. If, after reading this, you don't understand, please ask.
Alcoholism is what I have; it is not what I am. I am not a disease, I am a person with a disease. For example: I may have epilepsy but that is not what I am. I have heart disease but I am not heart disease. I may have cancer, but I am not cancer. I am an alcoholic or an epileptic, as the case may be, and will remain an alcoholic/epileptic for the rest of my life.
With this thought in mind: Think back to 4th grade science class. You might remember learning about parasites. (If you don't remember, look it up!) What is the goal of a parasite? To kill the host. What is the goal of alcoholism? To kill the host.
I try to separate myself from the disease. I will always be an alcoholic, but the image of a parasite gives me a wee bit of distance to help me see my disease more clearly. Being mentally and spiritually apart from the disease allows me to be on guard against the cunning, baffling and powerful aspects of alcoholism which start causing trouble in the guise of alcoholic thinking (AKA stinking thinking). Since I sometimes have a problem differentiating truths from falsehoods it is easy for me to fall into stinking thinking. This is why I go to ETA meetings and work with a sponsor. Hint.
The concept of a parasite also enhances the truth of alcoholism being a disease. This was tough for me to grasp in early sobriety because I believed I was bad, not sick. My parasite wants me to believe this self defeating kind of thing.
Separating me from alcoholism allows me to ask myself weather my thoughts are feeding me or the parasite of alcoholism. Of course, I ask the old HP to help out with this process. I believe He is the One that puts the question, "Who are you feeding with this kind of thinking?", into my head when needed. He is also the One that can help me change my thinking. Sometimes He sends my sponsor or husband to help me change my thinking ("You ARE planning on hitting a meeting today aren't you? love this). Sometimes He sends me to a meeting.
Be aware that when you pull a parasite loose, there might be some tender spots exposed. These will scab over and heal quickly. You will soon be able to figure out what this looks like and tell your pigeon "Guess that tentacle was attached deep. Your parasite didn't like letting go of that one!" This kind of response tends to help the pigeons that I work with see their disease of alcoholism as something that hurts them. Which, indeed, it is.
Have a good and sober day.
Alcoholism is what I have; it is not what I am. I am not a disease, I am a person with a disease. For example: I may have epilepsy but that is not what I am. I have heart disease but I am not heart disease. I may have cancer, but I am not cancer. I am an alcoholic or an epileptic, as the case may be, and will remain an alcoholic/epileptic for the rest of my life.
With this thought in mind: Think back to 4th grade science class. You might remember learning about parasites. (If you don't remember, look it up!) What is the goal of a parasite? To kill the host. What is the goal of alcoholism? To kill the host.
I try to separate myself from the disease. I will always be an alcoholic, but the image of a parasite gives me a wee bit of distance to help me see my disease more clearly. Being mentally and spiritually apart from the disease allows me to be on guard against the cunning, baffling and powerful aspects of alcoholism which start causing trouble in the guise of alcoholic thinking (AKA stinking thinking). Since I sometimes have a problem differentiating truths from falsehoods it is easy for me to fall into stinking thinking. This is why I go to ETA meetings and work with a sponsor. Hint.
The concept of a parasite also enhances the truth of alcoholism being a disease. This was tough for me to grasp in early sobriety because I believed I was bad, not sick. My parasite wants me to believe this self defeating kind of thing.
Separating me from alcoholism allows me to ask myself weather my thoughts are feeding me or the parasite of alcoholism. Of course, I ask the old HP to help out with this process. I believe He is the One that puts the question, "Who are you feeding with this kind of thinking?", into my head when needed. He is also the One that can help me change my thinking. Sometimes He sends my sponsor or husband to help me change my thinking ("You ARE planning on hitting a meeting today aren't you? love this). Sometimes He sends me to a meeting.
Be aware that when you pull a parasite loose, there might be some tender spots exposed. These will scab over and heal quickly. You will soon be able to figure out what this looks like and tell your pigeon "Guess that tentacle was attached deep. Your parasite didn't like letting go of that one!" This kind of response tends to help the pigeons that I work with see their disease of alcoholism as something that hurts them. Which, indeed, it is.
Have a good and sober day.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Before Step One
In talking with Barbie, a friend in the recovery program ETA, she pointed out that I have an assignment for my pigeons and explain something to them before we start step one. Today's post will be on the assignment. As with most of my assignments this one is a tool that is used repeatedly. We start with daily, but then it becomes an 'as needed' tool throughout recovery. Repeatedly. It goes in your spiritual toolbox. For ever and ever. Amen.
Explaining to Barbie my feelings of pretentiousness about offering MY way of working the steps , she told me to have a good time with the thing and to get over it. A zillion people have publicly offered ways to work the 12 steps of ETA, she said, the requests were nothing personal. Barbie is not what one might call overly sensitive. Though she did point out these 2 prerequisites. So here we go!
I warn in advance that I'll probably be able to tell if you aren't doing this. If I even think you are not doing this assignment, we will go into the bathroom together and stay there until you get it right. This is not an idle threat. I have actually done this and have no problem doing it again. I also warn that you will most likely start laughing or start crying the first time.
Every time you go to the bathroom and wash your hands, look yourself directly in the eye and say:
Explaining to Barbie my feelings of pretentiousness about offering MY way of working the steps , she told me to have a good time with the thing and to get over it. A zillion people have publicly offered ways to work the 12 steps of ETA, she said, the requests were nothing personal. Barbie is not what one might call overly sensitive. Though she did point out these 2 prerequisites. So here we go!
I warn in advance that I'll probably be able to tell if you aren't doing this. If I even think you are not doing this assignment, we will go into the bathroom together and stay there until you get it right. This is not an idle threat. I have actually done this and have no problem doing it again. I also warn that you will most likely start laughing or start crying the first time.
Every time you go to the bathroom and wash your hands, look yourself directly in the eye and say:
"I am worthy of recovery."
Do it without flinching or looking away. No looking at eyebrows, eyelashes or whites or color of your eyes. No 'Did I pluck my brows evenly?' or 'Is that a new wrinkle?' None of that crap. I mean look yourself directly in the eye! Because it is only there that you may be found. The rest of you has been snuffed out by boozing and using.
This is a very powerful tool. It quiets the screaming thoughts of guilt, worthlessness and shame that seem to run rampant and unceasing in our brain. It gives us confidence to move on to the next step, one we might fear. It gives us fortitude to hang in there when the going gets rough. It gives us courage to try new things and/or to do the next right thing. I still use it today.
Have a good and sober day.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Working/Living Step One
I can't believe what I am about to do! Also, I can't believe I've had people ask me to do it. It seems.... presumptuous. Or, perhaps, cocky. After all, I'm just a plain old alcoholic/drug addict, an active member of ETA, doing the best I can to stay clean and sober and hopefully help others to stay clean and sober in the process. The old HP and I spent the day together yesterday and I'm fairly certain He wants me to do what I've been asked by other alkies/addicts to do: write about how I work and live the steps of the ETA program. So! Today's post is about step one. I think I'll be posting on all the steps eventually, unless I misunderstood the old HP (which happens more often than I'd like).
Step One:
We admitted we were powerless over everything and that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. Who is your "We"? Make a physical list (pen and paper) of those in recovery that you can call on if there is a crisis. Write down names and phone numbers and put a copy in your wallet. Do not simply store them in your phone. I've known people (me) who have gone swimming with their phone while on vacation and had no way to contact the alkies/addicts that help me stay clean and sober. You will need to have several names and #'s: If you were going to jump out of a burning building because to stay would kill you, how many do you want to be there to catch you? 1? 4? 10? You get the idea. PS: the old HP and your sponsor belong on this list. You can slide on the old HP's phone number.
Keep this list current and know it will be forever changing.
2. What are you really saying "yes" to if you pick up a drink or a drug? You think you're saying "yes" to a buzz, and you might be, but what else are you saying "yes" to? These are the things that actually happened, not the things that haven't happened yet. Boozing and using can always make things worse than we were when we came into recovery. The things on this list are the things that you never want to repeat; the things that make you cringe with remembering. We can always rationalize that, since we never went that low before, we won't go there this time, either. Example: "I never had to sleep under a bridge when I was boozing and using last time. It won't happen this time, either." What you put on this list can't be rationalized away. You can't say "this won't happen", because it did. This is a tool not a weapon! If you start to beat yourself up, STOP! and call your sponsor immediately. If you turn it into a weapon, you've lost it as a tool. Here are some of the things I would really be saying "yes" to:
I am willing to be arrested in front of my husband and child.
I like bologna. (This is what they served in jail. I've not eaten bologna since I got clean and sober.)
Slurring my words during a parent teacher conference is the kind of mom I want to be today.
It is okay for me to throw up in some one's brand new car.
I enjoy peeing my pants in public.
Sideswiping the car going into, and/or out of, the garage makes the car look classy.
There is an exception that can be put on your "yes" list. When you are in a meeting with someone that has Wet Brain (permanent neurological damage from boozing and using), listen to them carefully. Notice the misplaced words and choppy sentence structure. Then say to yourself: "This is my Ghost Of Christmas Future. I can speak just like that, all I have to do is pick up a drink/drug." I also have notes written to me by some of those Wet Brains. And I have obituaries of those I know who went back out and killed themselves.
Have a good and sober day.
Step One:
We admitted we were powerless over everything and that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. Who is your "We"? Make a physical list (pen and paper) of those in recovery that you can call on if there is a crisis. Write down names and phone numbers and put a copy in your wallet. Do not simply store them in your phone. I've known people (me) who have gone swimming with their phone while on vacation and had no way to contact the alkies/addicts that help me stay clean and sober. You will need to have several names and #'s: If you were going to jump out of a burning building because to stay would kill you, how many do you want to be there to catch you? 1? 4? 10? You get the idea. PS: the old HP and your sponsor belong on this list. You can slide on the old HP's phone number.
Keep this list current and know it will be forever changing.
2. What are you really saying "yes" to if you pick up a drink or a drug? You think you're saying "yes" to a buzz, and you might be, but what else are you saying "yes" to? These are the things that actually happened, not the things that haven't happened yet. Boozing and using can always make things worse than we were when we came into recovery. The things on this list are the things that you never want to repeat; the things that make you cringe with remembering. We can always rationalize that, since we never went that low before, we won't go there this time, either. Example: "I never had to sleep under a bridge when I was boozing and using last time. It won't happen this time, either." What you put on this list can't be rationalized away. You can't say "this won't happen", because it did. This is a tool not a weapon! If you start to beat yourself up, STOP! and call your sponsor immediately. If you turn it into a weapon, you've lost it as a tool. Here are some of the things I would really be saying "yes" to:
I am willing to be arrested in front of my husband and child.
I like bologna. (This is what they served in jail. I've not eaten bologna since I got clean and sober.)
Slurring my words during a parent teacher conference is the kind of mom I want to be today.
It is okay for me to throw up in some one's brand new car.
I enjoy peeing my pants in public.
Sideswiping the car going into, and/or out of, the garage makes the car look classy.
There is an exception that can be put on your "yes" list. When you are in a meeting with someone that has Wet Brain (permanent neurological damage from boozing and using), listen to them carefully. Notice the misplaced words and choppy sentence structure. Then say to yourself: "This is my Ghost Of Christmas Future. I can speak just like that, all I have to do is pick up a drink/drug." I also have notes written to me by some of those Wet Brains. And I have obituaries of those I know who went back out and killed themselves.
Have a good and sober day.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
A Good Talking To
At a recent ETA meeting an alcoholic/addict, Ken, said that his first sponsor used to say: "I take myself to the bedroom and give myself a good talking to!" Ken said that he was just learning how to do this and asked if the rest of us boozers and users ever did this? This was the topic of the meeting.
My mind flashed back to a delightful memory of my experience with this practice, thankfully several years in the past.
We had moved into an older home with hard water and no water softener. The water left a film on anything washed without drying it off immediately. The back utility/bathroom linoleum floor had a crust of what I figured was the build up of several years of this film. Who, besides some sicko clean freak, dries their floors for crying out loud? My sincere thanks to the old HP that I am not (and never have been) that sick. However, I had tried various ways of removing that crust from the floor and had yet to be successful.
My husband and youngest daughter were gone for the weekend (I don't remember where) and the older girls had homes of their own. We had just gotten a new power washer and I was titillated by it's many uses. Yep! You guessed it! I tightly rolled up several towels and stuffed them around the bottom of the water heater and at the thresholds of the doors. One of the doors led to the outside so I figured I'd aim the spray in that general direction. I'm just ready to fire up the power washer and my phone rings.
It's a friend, Barbie, from out of town so I answer it. She is also in ETA though she quit boozing around a year prior to this brilliant experiment. She asks what I'm doing and I tell her. After a short time of dead silence she asks what my husband thinks of using a power washer inside the house. I explain that the family is due home later that day. More silence. Then she asks if I think this is really a good idea?
Well of course I think it's a good idea! Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing it. Barbie is somewhat of a newcomer thus she doesn't totally understand the brilliance of a sober mind. I tell her I asked everyone present and nobody expressed disapproval. She asked who all was here. I explained that I was home by myself and had been all day. She again asked if I thought this was a good idea. Sigh... I told her I had to hang up.
Before I go any further, I want you to know that the power washer did, if fact, remove the crust. So, from that perspective, the experiment was successful. Tragically, that would be the only successful part.
Did you know that linoleum floors do not like to be power washed? They aren't too forgiving about being power washed either. Tightly rolled up towels do not absorb as much water as one might think. Nor are they effective at deflecting water away from doorways. Husbands that come home early from a weekend outing severely frown on those that clean floors with power washers, even after the shop vac has removed much of the overflow that seems to be generated when using a power washer inside the home. Nor do they seem to get any happier about needing to buy, and then lay, new flooring.
When it came my turn to share, I told this story. After the laughter subsided I said that I haven't given myself a good talking to since.
Have a good and sober day.
My mind flashed back to a delightful memory of my experience with this practice, thankfully several years in the past.
We had moved into an older home with hard water and no water softener. The water left a film on anything washed without drying it off immediately. The back utility/bathroom linoleum floor had a crust of what I figured was the build up of several years of this film. Who, besides some sicko clean freak, dries their floors for crying out loud? My sincere thanks to the old HP that I am not (and never have been) that sick. However, I had tried various ways of removing that crust from the floor and had yet to be successful.
My husband and youngest daughter were gone for the weekend (I don't remember where) and the older girls had homes of their own. We had just gotten a new power washer and I was titillated by it's many uses. Yep! You guessed it! I tightly rolled up several towels and stuffed them around the bottom of the water heater and at the thresholds of the doors. One of the doors led to the outside so I figured I'd aim the spray in that general direction. I'm just ready to fire up the power washer and my phone rings.
It's a friend, Barbie, from out of town so I answer it. She is also in ETA though she quit boozing around a year prior to this brilliant experiment. She asks what I'm doing and I tell her. After a short time of dead silence she asks what my husband thinks of using a power washer inside the house. I explain that the family is due home later that day. More silence. Then she asks if I think this is really a good idea?
Well of course I think it's a good idea! Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing it. Barbie is somewhat of a newcomer thus she doesn't totally understand the brilliance of a sober mind. I tell her I asked everyone present and nobody expressed disapproval. She asked who all was here. I explained that I was home by myself and had been all day. She again asked if I thought this was a good idea. Sigh... I told her I had to hang up.
Before I go any further, I want you to know that the power washer did, if fact, remove the crust. So, from that perspective, the experiment was successful. Tragically, that would be the only successful part.
Did you know that linoleum floors do not like to be power washed? They aren't too forgiving about being power washed either. Tightly rolled up towels do not absorb as much water as one might think. Nor are they effective at deflecting water away from doorways. Husbands that come home early from a weekend outing severely frown on those that clean floors with power washers, even after the shop vac has removed much of the overflow that seems to be generated when using a power washer inside the home. Nor do they seem to get any happier about needing to buy, and then lay, new flooring.
When it came my turn to share, I told this story. After the laughter subsided I said that I haven't given myself a good talking to since.
Have a good and sober day.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Back Pocket
At a recent ETA meeting a chronic boozer and user explained her pattern of recovery (?).
"I'm an alcoholic/drug addict that comes into the rooms of ETA, gets recovery and develops a relationship with God and life becomes wonderful. Then I quit coming to ETA meetings, put God in my back pocket and eventually return to drinking and drugging."
Having witnessed this merry-go-round a few times over the years, I'm thinking 'Gasp. No shit?? Wow! Who'd have ever thought that repeating the same routine over and over would result in an identical outcome?' I was shocked, shocked! I tell you. As usual, when I think this kind of thing, what I'm thinking and what I say are two totally different things. When it's my turn to share, here is what I said:
"If you put the old HP in your back pocket it's a sure bet that, sooner or later, you're going to get bitten in the ass!"
Have a good and sober day.
"I'm an alcoholic/drug addict that comes into the rooms of ETA, gets recovery and develops a relationship with God and life becomes wonderful. Then I quit coming to ETA meetings, put God in my back pocket and eventually return to drinking and drugging."
Having witnessed this merry-go-round a few times over the years, I'm thinking 'Gasp. No shit?? Wow! Who'd have ever thought that repeating the same routine over and over would result in an identical outcome?' I was shocked, shocked! I tell you. As usual, when I think this kind of thing, what I'm thinking and what I say are two totally different things. When it's my turn to share, here is what I said:
"If you put the old HP in your back pocket it's a sure bet that, sooner or later, you're going to get bitten in the ass!"
Have a good and sober day.
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