Grief

Today I am feeling the loss of both my parents: my dad died and dementia has stolen the last few brain cells that held my mom's personality. To me, this means that they are both gone. Normally, this is my favorite time of the year and I enjoy the the total Christmas spirit- baking, decorating, gift giving, spending time with friends and family. There is an excitement in anticipating the birthday of Christ.

Not so this year. I suppose I could figure out all the reasons for my apathy but I don't think I'll waste my time in that. Even if I knew why, it wouldn't change the situation. And it isn't a good thing for me to spend much time sifting through negativity and difficulties. That type of thinking tends to drag me down and get stuck there. Been there, done that, was arrested and escaped. I'm not going back.

So, what to do instead? I belong to the support group and recovery program known as ETA, Every Thing Anonymous. (Do you like it? I made it up myself.) This program teaches reliance upon a Higher Power for Every Thing. I call my Higher Power the old HP.

So this morning, I was talking to the old HP about feeling depressed and feeling sad about losing people I love. There was a time that I went to great lengths to avoid intense feelings but today I simply grab the old HP's hand and pull Him into the maelstrom with me. After I talked out my feelings and confessed that I might be slightly cranky today, I listened. Some people refer to prayer as talking to the old HP and meditation as listening. I spend a whole lot more time praying than I spend meditating. This morning, I listened long enough to hear the small, quiet voice that comes from within say: "Just address one of your responsibilities this morning. You only need to get started."

I grumbled and whined about how I didn't want to, because I don't feel like it. But I don't have to 'want to' or feel like it', I just have to do it. So I got started and guess what? I've almost finished two things I needed to do this morning! I also feel my mood lightening. "Do the next right thing in front of you", is something else ETA teaches. All I did was get started and then the old HP gave me what I needed to continue. ETA also says that I must "Do the footwork and leave the outcome to the old HP." What a concept! Simple, too.

Have a good and sober day.