Anticipation

Yesterday, the topic was expectations and, after reading the post, someone left a comment saying they had trouble differentiating between expectations and anticipation. This comment is what decided the topic for today. (I feel the song 'Anticipation' should be playing in the background, but no, we aren't posting about songs. We do that on Thursdays.)

Expectations and anticipation both start out the same way; by considering the possible outcome of the course of events. In both cases I attempt to determine the likely consequences, both favorable and unfavorable, of my words or actions. From my previous experiences I arrive at the most probable result. It is at this point expectation and anticipation separate. (Of course, I'm talking about what happens when I'm clean and sober. When operating in active addiction I was delusional. Every time I ingested a drink or drug, I believed that this time it would be different.)

With anticipation I determine what conclusion will most likely occur. I remain open to the possibilities of a different conclusion because there might be aspects of the situation of which I am unaware or didn't take into consideration. This is especially true if there are other people involved as others have a distressing tendency to not act the way I think they will. I hope for the best but remain aware that the best might not happen. I might even make tentative plans in preparation of the result being undesirable.

Expectations are an entirely different thing for me. Immediately I find the outcome I desire and refuse to consider any other possibility. I am certain that everything will turn out exactly as I have decided, people will do exactly as I want and the scenario flows exactly as I have pictured in my mind. Anything else never even occurs to me. If other people try to suggest another outcome I don't even hear what they say, although I will probably assure them that whatever they are concerned about won't happen. I'm so closed minded and fixed on the outcome there is no way for anyone to talk some sense into me. I'm on a fast track to anger, disappointment and resentment and I refuse to get off. When the train wrecks, and it always does, there are many casualties. No matter if the result is better or worse than I expected, it can still get ugly.

Let's take my fifth step as an example. For years I had kept secret most of my wrongdoings. For weeks prior to admitting all of my wrongs to my sponsor, I was nervous about it. I figured she would be so shocked and disgusted that she would never want to speak to me again. She would probably throw me out of her house and tell everyone how horrible I was. When the time came, she listened to everything with an alert, though slightly bored, attitude. When I was done she said, "That's it? You didn't do anything too terrible, so quit worrying about it. Aren't you glad that you don't ever have to be that person again?" This was not what I expected at all! I'd damn near killed myself by keeping these secrets and she thought they were no big deal?! How dare she!! I wanted to throttle her for not acting as expected. Today, we laugh about that, but it sure wasn't funny at the time.

The fact of the matter is this: I can't predict the future. I can figure out what will probably happen and act accordingly as long as I remain open to other possibilities. Otherwise, I'm trying to play God. And that never has worked out very well for anybody.

Have a good and sober day.