Boundaries

Ladies and gentlemen! We have a request for a topic. Another member of the recovery program ETA asked if today's blog could be about setting and/or keeping a boundary. I love granting this type of request because it often generates some fairly lively discussion. I post my views and then everybody gets to argue about them. Seriously, this is one of my favorite ways to learn new approaches to things we all have to deal with at one time or another.

Like most people with substance abuse or addiction, I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex when I got to ETA. Those are some pretty fancy ( albeit brief ) words to describe someone who is overly sensitive, insecure, fearful of judgement, a people pleaser and mad at the world for not noticing how wonderful and intelligent I was.

When I first got clean and sober, it was almost impossible for me to look myself in the eye in a mirror. Oh, I could look to put on make-up or make sure my face was clean, but to actually look at me? Forget it, not going to happen. I was too ashamed of myself or maybe I was afraid that some of the ugliness I felt inside was visible on the outside. As I worked the steps with my sponsor I gradually began to feel better about myself and, sure enough, I was able to look myself in the eye and be okay with who I saw there.

This was the starting point for learning to set and keep boundaries; when I could look in the mirror and see MY reflection of me and nothing else. Previously I had used other people as my mirror, continuously watching for clues on how they felt about me and adjusting my behavior as necessary. I let them say or do practically anything they wished to me. Sometimes, I even helped them. Sometimes I thought I deserved whatever I got. This is insanity. It is exhausting. It was destined for failure, too, because I have a disease of perception!

Trying to be what other people wanted me to be, I never stopped to look at who I was. And that makes it dang near impossible for me to set boundaries. What do I stand for? What do I believe in? Where was midnight in my garden of good and evil?

Discovering what felt right to me on the inside helped me to identify what I allowed on the outside. Setting boundaries became much easier after I had some idea of what I thought was appropriate behavior and what was not. It was almost effortless really. Most of the boundaries that I hold today were set as a result of self discovery.

I used to believe that setting boundaries was like determining property lines and putting up some yellow tape that shouts: "Do Not Cross". I could then patrol the edges with an Uzi in hand, ready to shoot down anyone who dared cross over them. Or, perhaps, I could set up security cameras and challenge all interlopers with documentation of infractions rather like re-plays in a football game. "Foul!!! Just for that, you don't get any points! And you get a huge penalty!" (I have such a good time being sick.)

Not everything establishes it's own boundary, however. Somethings that happen in life, I need to percolate on before I can decide what is right for me. I have to run these things past the old HP and then talk to my sponsor and/or other people in order to keep from reacting to them. ETA is a program of ACTION not reaction. (I knew how to react when I first got into recovery. I don't need any help with that.)

Upon one, or maybe two, occasions, I confused setting boundaries with attempting to control another person. This is the grown-up (?) version of, "If you do this or that, I won't be your friend or let you play in my yard ever again". This darling, adult behavior is what reminds me how much I need the old HP in every aspect of my life. Thinking and talking things over with the old HP tends to diminish the chance of my engaging in the attractive manner described above.

Do I do this boundary thing perfectly? Nope. Do I make mistakes? Yep. Do my boundaries change sometimes? Yep. That's because I'm a flawed human being, doing the best I can with what I've got to work with, just trying to live a sober life that will be pleasing to my Creator. I could be wrong, but I don't think treating someone, or letting someone treat me, like dirt makes Him very happy.

Have a good and sober day.