Putting It Down On Paper

I'm fairly distracted today. My mind is a jumble of emotions, each one a big dark cloud of roiling energy, churning under it's own power. Each one crashing into the other with the terrific boom of thunder so loud that I can't hear the quiet, loving voice of the old HP that I know would soothe me. In the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", Bill W. talks about being "...distracted by worldly clamors, mostly those within myself." Yep, that would be me.

My mom is coming home from the nursing home today. In my opinion, the house is not ready for her. In my opinion, we don't have a solid schedule of caregivers determined. In my opinion, mom would be better off staying where she is at because changes seem to frighten her and can't be explained to her. As usual, my opinion is just my opinion.

I have no control over these decisions, my sister is Power of Attorney and my brother influences her. I really don't want to have control over these things because it would be too stressful for me. Boy, does that bite: I don't handle stress well. I used to think I could; it was a source of pride for me and I wore that badge with honor. Too bad the recovery program ETA requires rigorous honesty, I could still be living a life of illusion. (See post about the song Grease.)

Some comments have been made that I think are insulting to my dad. I don't like that either. I want to defend him because I'm pretty sure he was human, I know he was my daddy (meaning he was wonderful) and I loved him dearly. Excuse me, but could we remember the good things that he did for his family as well as everything else? Two things are going on with this: Don't criticize the people that I love and focusing on what someone DIDN'T do, while completely ignoring what they they DID do, always sets me off.

Wait a second. I'm judging other people's behavior without taking any action of my own. I'm taking sides and causing a rift between my siblings and me by acting as if I was the only one who loved our dad. On top of that, I'm only looking at what things I think my siblings are doing wrong. Well, fecal matter. That is old behavior for me and isn't that lovely?

Oops! Gotta run, I think the old HP wants to chat with me.

Have a good and sober day.