Being Honest With The Old HP

I used to believe that I had to earn the love of my Higher Power and the only way to do this was by being perfect. God only loved those that praised Him 100% of the time, were grateful for everything and never made mistakes. When I was a kid, I only talked to God when I had been good. This meant that I rarely talked to Him at all. Eventually, I lost all contact with Him and was content to do so. He was too hard to get along with.

Encouraged by the police department to get clean and sober, I came into the recovery program ETA. The other recovering alcoholics and drug addicts in ETA helped me to find a Higher Power that was better suited to my frequent screw-ups. The Higher Power that I have today, the old HP, is more approachable and gives me unconditional love. He wants me to do the next right thing and follow His will and direction, but He's okay with the fact that I'm going to sin on a daily basis.

Marriage counselors tell us that a relationship that never has disagreements or arguing is not a healthy relationship. Well, I want you to know that I have a healthy relationship with the old HP. Of late, our relationship has been very healthy. In fact, I'm a little miffed at Him, though we remain on speaking terms. I've been doing most of the speaking but that's not the point right now.

My mom is becoming more frail with each passing day. She cries many times throughout each day and can't communicate the source of her sadness. We console her as best we can, but basically we put our arms around her while she sobs brokenly into our shoulder. She says words in English, but it is a language that we can't understand. She is in bed most of the time because her balance is so impaired that she falls over, even when we are right there with her.

It is just so hard to watch. It is very hard to not ease her suffering. It is too hard to be unable to do anything to help her. Right now we have her at home with round the clock care. Are we doing the right thing? Is this what is best for her? For us? I've asked the old HP and have not gotten a response I recognize yet. He has been known to speak to me in code. I know this because I've missed what answers He has given to me before.

Watching my mom's needless, pointless suffering, I wonder about that mercy for which He is so famous. And letting a loved one experience so much pain, especially when she can't learn any lesson from the experience, doesn't seem real loving either. The bruises that adorn mom's body indicate that grace is also lacking.

Excuse me, Buddy, but are You paying attention here? Is there a lesson for my siblings and I to get out of this? If so, could You get a move on? If You aren't going to take her home, which I think would be the loving and merciful thing to do, could You at least give all of us some comfort? I'm beginning to feel like you've abandoned us and I can't live without You near. I'm not very happy with You right now. A grateful recovering alcoholic is the only alcoholic that won't get drunk and even though I don't feel like boozing or using, I'm not feeling all that grateful.

Thank you to all those who are in the recovery program ETA with me. You have taught me that I can be honest with the old HP. You have also taught me that I can lean on you during my times of struggle and I'm grateful for that. I have no doubt that you have my back and will support me because you've done it a zillion times before. I will get through this clean and sober; you will help me simply because I've asked. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts are the greatest friends! I'm lucky to have so many.

Thanks for letting me share.

PS: If you see the old HP, would you tell Him I'm looking for Him?

Have a good and sober day.