Trust

This topic was requested by one of my good friends in the recovery program ETA. At first I thought, "I'm an alcoholic for crying out loud! What do I know about trust?" Then I asked the old HP to help me out so here we are: writing about trust. I'm doing the footwork (hunt and peck typing) and leaving the outcome (the words) up to Him.

During my boozing and using career the only thing I trusted was the thing that had betrayed me the most- boozing and using. We started out as friends, became intimate, I started believing substances were the solution (therefore how could I have a problem with them?) and turned my will and my life over to the care of these substances.

Then we started having problems. At first there were little lies here and there but I hung on through through the rough times. Every relationship has rough times. Perhaps, if I tried harder, we could recapture the thrill of when we first met.

Alcohol and drugs are jealous companions; if I was going to have a strong bond with them, I was going to have to spend all my time with them. I would have to exclude everything and everyone else. When I began eliminating people, things, hobbies and happiness from my life, I cut myself off from reality.

In recovery, we joke about how we are always wanting more, but alcoholics learned that behavior at the feet of their lower power; their 'friend'. No matter how much I gave my disease of alcoholism and drug addiction it was never enough. The disease always wanted more. I became just like that, no matter how much I received of anything, it was not enough, I always wanted more.

I clung to my disease of addiction, desperate for the comfort, I was convinced, only substances could provide. I hung on for dear life and, in the end, I damn near lost it - dear life, not the substances. (I'll never lose the disease of alcoholism/addiction either; I will be alcoholic/addict for life.)

Breaking up with substances was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was so angry and confused about the loss of our relationship. Up until I was arrested, I believed every lie alcoholism told me and I stung mightily from such betrayal. I was left lost and alone. I vowed to never trust anything or anyone ever again. I was as wrong with that vow as I was in believing boozing and using were my friends. Although I believed both were true at the time, I have come to know otherwise.

When I hear a new comer say that they have trust issues, I rejoice silently for them. Losing trust in all things, including alcohol and drugs, means they have met the requirements for being able to take steps one and two. Breaking up with substances means they have fired their lower power. In firing their lower power they have met requirement for being able to take step three. There is now room for a Higher Power and a new life can begin.

Have a good and sober day.