Analyyyzer Day!

Analyyyzer

\ANAL-why?why?why?-zer\
noun
Meaning

: an adult that consistently responds to any statement or explanation by asking, "But, why?"; one who convinces him/herself that they are looking for information when in reality they want to stay focused on the problem; a major irritant to sponsors and other mentors

When someone gets into trouble for a minor alcohol or drug related offense, there is a core group of judges that hear these particular cases. This would be DUI, attempted possession, possession of small amounts of illegal drugs, forging prescriptions for controlled substances and the like. This does not include the manufacture and/or selling of drugs or violence related offenses.

Most of the people ordered into treatment for substance abuse or addiction, such as the recovery program ETA, by the court have appeared in front of one (or more) of the 6-8 judges belonging to this group. And some of them judge more harshly than others, especially with probation violations. My own journey of sobriety started with this group and, during the course of my probation (18 months with a monthly court appearance) I've probably appeared in front of each one of them.

Believe it or not, judges tend to frown on relapse. One mistake? Maybe. Several mistakes? It can get ugly.

One of the judges belonging to the group got into trouble a few months back. He was arrested for a DUI and sentenced to treatment for alcoholism and ordered to attend meetings of a 12 step recovery program. One of the gals I sponsored at the time, Barbie, had relapsed numerous times and had gotten some pretty severe consequences from this judge. She was irate over this situation. Here is a recount of our conversations about it. I'm in italics.

"Did you see that Judge Alan was arrested for a DUI?"

"Yes. I think that is sad."

"SAD??! You think it's sad? That big meanie (conversation is paraphrased) put me in jail for the very same thing!"

"Well, yes. That is what happens when you drive drunk."

"He sent me to jail and he was doing the same thing. What a hypocrite! He's no better than the rest of us."

"No, he's not. He also went to jail. Just like the rest of us."

"Who does he think he is sending me to treatment 3 times.. THREE TIMES!! and put me in jail twice! And all the while he's a drunk himself. That is so unfair!"

"What is unfair?"

"He made me do all this crap because I drove drunk a couple of times. He was probably hung over when he sentenced me! That's what is unfair. Why does he get to spend all day telling people they can't drink anymore then go ahead and does what he tells people not to do?"

"Because it's illegal to drive drunk. That is why he spends his days telling people not to drive when they are drunk."

"He did it! It is so unfair. Why does he get to do it and I don't?"

"Wait a minute. He drank, drove, was arrested and went to jail. How does that say it is different for him?"

"Why does he get to drink and then run around telling others not to? He should have to follow the same rules. I can't believe how unfair this is!"

We continued going round and round with this issue forever. Barbie remained furious that the judge has an alcohol problem. I longed for the day when she would start singing, "Was blind, but now I see." I fantasized about spraying her in the eyes with Windex and wiping them with old newspapers to clear her vision. Perhaps a soapy water scrub followed by a fresh water rinse and a squeegee? It was difficult to decide.

When I had reached the end of my love and tolerance, I finally spoke in a language she could understand.

"Life isn't fair, Barbie. Get over it. You both drove drunk - you were caught 3 times, he was caught once. You were embarrassed in front of your family and friends, his transgression has been splashed all over the front page of the newspaper every day for weeks now. See how unfair life is? You poor thing, you hardly got any attention at all, compared to that. And let me tell you something else: You went to treatment and jail as the result of your own actions. Those were your consequences, not his. If you were to pay such close attention to your own behavior, instead of examining Judge Alan's, you just might be able to stay sober."

God, remind me how unattractive I can be when I put my nose into any one's business rather than looking at my own. That is the one area that really is all about me.

Have a good and sober day.