Analyyyzer Day

Analyyyzer

\ANAL-why?why?why?-zer\
noun
Meaning

: an adult that consistently responds to any statement or explanation by asking, "But, why?"; one who convinces him/herself that they are looking for information when in reality they want to stay focused on the problem; a major irritant to sponsors and other mentors

Today's post is about my boss, Ken, who, to the best of my knowledge, has no issue with substance abuse/addiction. Some might say this is a good thing. I think it's horrible because he will not ever have a recovery program, such as ETA, and will be like this forever. Well, at least until I strangle him.

I sell swimming pools for a living and I don't work in the tropics so we only have a few months to reach our quota for the year. In the colder months we sell other seasonal things, but pools are the big ticket items. We started our pool selling season a few weeks ago and here are a few stories about my crazy boss so far this year.

I had set up an appointment to discuss the logistics of placing an in-ground pool in a customer's back yard. The day before the appointment, the woman, Mrs. Smith, called to say she would have to postpone because she was admitted to the hospital with a blood clot in her leg. I'm in italics.

"Mrs. Smith postponed our appointment because she is in the hospital."

"Are they still going to have the in-ground put in?"

"I think so. She said we would reschedule."

"When is the appointment?"

"We didn't set one up. She is in the hospital and doesn't know when she will be released."

Ken thinks this over for about 2 seconds and says, "Why don't you take the contract up to the hospital and get her to sign it?"

"I am not doing that. She has a blood clot. She isn't thinking about pools. I was impressed that she even thought to call to postpone."

"You haven't reached your quota for the week yet. You need to get that contract signed." I stare at him with my mouth hanging open. He is serious!

"Ken! She has a blood clot! People die from blood clots!"

"If she isn't too sick to make a phone call, she's not too sick to sign a contract. I think you need to do whatever it takes to reach your quota. You have to be committed to your job." I think he needs to be committed to the psych ward.

Then I had a customer, Mr. Brown, who was turned down for a loan and didn't have the money to pay for the pool outright. The conversation went like this:

"Mr Brown was refused financing for the pool."

"What kind of pool was he considering?"

"A 30 ft. (diameter) above ground."

"Call him and see if he can get a loan for a smaller pool."

"We already discussed that. He doesn't want a smaller pool, and he can't get funding anyway."

"Well, talk him into one. I can't believe I have to tell you this. You understand what your job is. You have the skills to be successful here (at this company) but, for some reason, you won't apply yourself. Tell Mr. Brown to go to another lender and you will help him with his loan application, then make sure he gets the loan."

"I have no control over whether his loan is approved or not. Do you really think hounding the guy about his credit rating is a good idea?" I already know Ken thinks this is a good idea because the only thing that matters is how many sales I make.

"We aren't hounding him. He just needs a little guidance from you to get the loan. He's probably being too honest on the application, so, give him a hand."

"You want him to falsify a loan application and you want me to help him?!"

"Look, you need to give 100% of your effort to reach your quota." Well, gee, Ken. I would but I'm currently using my 100% to keep from pounding your head against the wall in hopes of knocking some common sense into it.

And the last story:

"Aren't we supposed to put in the in ground at the Jones' this week?"

"Their neighborhood association vetoed the variance." (This is when there are guidelines a property owner agrees to follow when they move into a certain neighborhood. You must get approval to make any changes to your property that are outside the determined restrictions. No approval means no changes.)

"If we start construction anyway, they'd probably be okay about it. Call Mrs. Jones and tell her we can still start this week."

"Ken, to go against the neighborhood association's ruling is against the law."

"I know that, I'm just saying that they will approve it when they see how nice the pool looks and see how much the neighbors would enjoy it. Call the Jones' and tell them."

"To put in a pool would subject the Jones to a lawsuit! They are not going to spend $50,000.00 on a pool, spend at least that much on a court case and then have to pay to have it removed. Be realistic, Ken."

"Maybe they could ask for another vote when different members are present and get the okay."

"I doubt they want to provoke a feud with their neighbors, Ken."

"Did you ask them? A true salesman would make these suggestions and not jump to conclusions about what the customer might want. You could offer to go the the next neighborhood association meeting and put on a demonstration. You could convince them to accept swimming pools and probably get several leads for new pools right then and there."

"Oh, look! It's 1:30 p.m. I'm going to lunch." I know I've got to get away from him before I start taking his inventory and telling him what a sicko he is.

"That's probably why you haven't reached your maximum potential. Successful people give it their all and don't allow anything to distract them from the goal. You take a lunch every day when, instead, you should be striving- every moment- to be the best salesman we have."

I just might sell a pool over lunch. I'm going to check and see if my budget will allow for a pool purchase. If so, I'm going to buy one and use it as a suppository for Ken.

Thanks for letting me vent about this on the blog.