Analyyyzer
noun
Meaning
: an adult that consistently responds to any statement or explanation by asking, "But, why?"; one who convinces him/herself that they are looking for information when in reality they want to stay focused on the problem; a major irritant to sponsors and other mentors
At a recent meeting of the recovery program ETA, a member brought up the subject of drinking dreams. Now, I know that we have discussed drinking/using dreams lately, but, well, I guess we are going to discuss them again. The meeting is rather small and there tends to be many people with less than a year of sobriety in attendance. The gal that brought the topic, Barbie, is one with 90 days or less and this is her 3rd time around. Also present at the meeting is a 1 year old. He is playing quietly on his mom's lap.
As with most analyyyzers, she wanted to tell us why she was having these dreams, as opposed to what to do about them. Swell.
The discussion went around the table and, yes, some gave her advice. They are newcomers so you cut them some slack. As several others did, I spoke of my experience and my perception of using dreams. The meeting is scheduled for an hour and there was still time, so many shared a second time. Usual practice for meetings around here. It was then that Barbie started interrupting people. Things kind of went down hill from there. Everyone but Barbie is in italics.
"I get what you are saying about the dreams, but (warning: this word often signals an immediate analyyyzation) my husband still drinks. I told him not to bring it in the house, but (see 'but' above) he does and then hides the bottles around the house. I told him I'm an alcoholic and that I will find them no matter where he hides them."
"You need to put your recovery and your Higher Power first, not your husband."
"But he's an alcoholic!"
"That is none of your business."
"He's putting my sobriety at risk!"
"No. Your sobriety is your job. Not his job and your job is not him."
"I'm trying to go to school. I'm taking my last class and I'm trying to write a paper sober for the first time. And here he is, sticking booze right under my nose!" The kid is getting restless. His mom let's him off her lap.
"If he hides the booze, how is that under your nose?"
"I know it's there and I have to prove to him I know."
"How does that help you write papers for your class?"
"You don't understand!" I'm thinking the real problem here is that we do understand, not that we don't. "I can tell if it's in the house and it distracts me." The kid discovers how well his voice echoes in the sparsely furnished room. He begins to explore this discovery.
"Have you asked the old HP to help you focus on your homework instead?"
"I have a 4.0 GPA (grade point average) and I'm going to blow that because of all the stress I'm under."
"Could every one talk louder? (The kid is having a great time. He now also has a ball.) Have you talked to your sponsor and the old HP about this?"
"I prayed right after the dream. I told my sponsor." This is a common trick of analyyyzers. Notice how she didn't answer the question.
"What did she say?"
"I don't remember." How convenient! "Some people say that I can't write my final paper unless I'm drunk."
"Did your sponsor say this?"
Barbie plows on through this question. "Here I am, taking my last class, with a perfect 4.0 GPA and with all the stress going on at home, I'm going to lose that and ruin all the effort I put into years of school!" My love and tolerance is slipping from being my code to being in code. Being a cute victim takes you only so far. I tell the mom to quit worrying about the kid, she needs this meeting.
"I've never had a potential employer ask what my GPA was. Quit fussing about your GPA. In the recovery program ETA, we do the footwork and leave the outcome to the old HP."
Barbie concedes that she has not either.
"What we are saying is that perhaps your sponsor and the old HP can help you change your focus."
"I have to focus on school and family."
"No. You focus on recovery. You attend to the needs of your family and schooling. Your focus is your sobriety." I get out my Big Book, 'Alcoholics Anonymous". The kid is back on someone's lap, with an empty soda bottle, and is starting to train for a career in professional baseball. The plastic bottle sails across the table/room with a speed that indicates he will probably make it. Some one keeps retrieving it for him and giving it back.
It is now close to the time the meeting ends and I say, "In the book, 'Alcoholics Anonymous', beginning on page 12, the author talks about being distracted from the old HP by worldly clamors and how that leads to relapse. You have talked quite a bit on the problems in your life. Not once did you mention a solution. Nobody here cares about your hubby's drinking; you are the one in recovery. Nobody cares about your GPA, or the fact that you might end up with a 'B' in your class. We don't care about people telling you you can't write papers sober. We care about how you will deal with these distractions while getting your needs met and you are the one responsible for the action necessary to remain sober. Get out of the problem and into the solution. You are in a recovery program of action, not whining and justifying being a victim.
"This kid has been being loud through the meeting and is an excellent example of what we are trying to tell you. We can't make him keep quiet so we deal with reality: kids make noise. So we take what steps necessary to get our needs for recovery met in spite of what is going on. We don't focus on the problem, we focus on the solution. If you need more time to do your homework, quit wasting time looking for hidden bottles. It sounds to me that staying in the problem is more important to you than finding solutions. You might want to take a look at that."
Before Barbie could form a reply to that, or punch my lights out, the chairperson said, "Shall we close with The Lord's Prayer?"
Oddly enough, Barbie didn't hang around to chat after the meeting as she usually does. I hope she stays sober just to spite me.
Have a good and sober day.
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