Families & Friends

During the past few weeks I've spoken with several people, who are new to recovery, about struggles they are having with their families and friends. They talk about how their spouses wanted them to quit boozing and using but don't seem to like them now that they are clean and sober. Families don't want them to go to meetings of the recovery program ETA (Every Thing Anonymous). How their families don't trust them. Experience has taught me that when a topic is brought up several times in private conversation, it needs to be discussed so that is what today's post is about.

When I got clean and sober, I changed the rules of play at my house. Since I was no longer detached from the world, I became involved in it. This upset the precarious balance my household maintained while I was in active addiction.

The fact is that my family revolved around my disease and any changes had not been changes for the better for a long time. As an alcoholic I was used to being the center of attention and this continued long after sobriety. Not only that, but I knew everything and the right way to do it.

Looking at things from the family's point of view, I was now a sober know it all who criticized everything. In their opinion I was still creating chaos, albeit in a new and unimproved way. They were doing what they had to do to try and hold everything together; juggling responsibility while I zoned out in the corner. Suddenly I'm awake and pointing out how they can better handle the nightmare of their lives that I created. Were the tables turned you can bet I'd have conked the newly sober jerk on the head with a hammer a few times to get his attention.

My family knew I was sick and that alcoholism was a disease, but I had done a lot of damage to a lot of people. When I got sober, all of the sudden I had a host of new friends and a wonderful social life and they had none. I had slowly choked to death any friendships they had as my alcoholism progressed. I had caused all the trouble and now I was being rewarded with happiness, friendship and understanding. My family felt they had gotten shafted. Where was their payoff for all the years of hell?

When my family indicated that I shouldn't go to so many ETA meetings, what they were really saying was: "We put up with all the horror when you were boozing and using. We deserve some of the benefit of being around you while you are clean and sober." This was fair. The fact that I still had people who loved me and wanted to be with me was a tremendous gift from them and the old HP.

My old buddies wanted me to booze and use with them. They had been replaced by my new sober friends and they didn't like it. Go figure. They didn't want me to be around them sober because they were afraid they'd catch it - could anything be worse than coming down with a case of sobriety?!? The problems with my drinking buddies didn't last long because I wouldn't drink and they wouldn't stop. We had nothing in common.

As for our families trusting us; you must be joking. How many times did you tell them you'd quit and went right back to boozing and using? How many times did you lie about where you were and who you were with? How many promises to them did you break? I spent years making my word worthless and now I'm miffed that they don't believe me?

You see, I had something that they did not. I know the exact day I took my last drink/drug. What they had was another worthless assurance from me about my being clean and sober. I had 'quit for good' many times before and perhaps had even convinced them a time or two I was telling the truth. I'd even convinced myself I was telling the truth! But this time I was certain I was clean and sober while they were waiting and bracing themselves for the other shoe to drop. Words no longer worked. I had to show them the truth by my actions.

Building trust, integrity and honor takes time. I didn't destroy these things overnight and I'm not going to rebuild them overnight, either. The last time I had a family member ask me to get a drug screen was when I was clean and sober for over five years. (I'm sober, honey, not sane!) I got the test and waved the 'no substances detected' report like a flag.

Relationships, just like sobriety, are not always easy or fun. They take time and attention every day, just like sobriety. And, just like sobriety, they are worth it.


Have a good and sober day.