Analyyyzer Day! 610.2

Analyyyzer

\ANAL-why?why?why?-zer\
noun
Meaning

: an adult that consistently responds to any statement or explanation by asking, "But, why?"; one who convinces him/herself that they are looking for information when in reality they want to stay focused on the problem; a major irritant to sponsors and other mentors

This past weekend was a little stressful. We had a gathering of family and friends that, rather unfortunately, included an analyyyzer. What made it even more interesting was that the guest was a normie and a control freak to boot. Ken and my husband are cousins. How did I ever get so lucky? Although we didn't specifically invite Ken, (the analyyyzer) he is married to someone I like and she brought him along. I might have to re-think that friendship so I don't end up in jail for conking Ken over the head with a stout club. The fact that I have not yet done so is in no way his fault.

Ken knows everything and the best way to do it, too. The first words out of his mouth are questioning why we planted flowers so close to the house and why we didn't stick with one color instead of having a mix. It was going to be a long night. Here are some of our conversations. I'm in italics.

"Wow, I like that computer desk!", says Ken, "Is it built in?" I nodded. "Why'd you put it there?"

"Because that's where we wanted it." My eyes narrowed, just a bit, but not so anyone would actually notice. I've known this jerk for a while.

"There is a lot of traffic through here. I'd have thought you'd want to put it someplace more private." Ken says with a superior smile. (Really, he should have his teeth repaired if he's going to smile that big.)

My teeth are beautiful, so I smile even bigger and say, "If it becomes a problem, we will put up a sign warning people to stay back to ensure privacy. I saw one at the hospital registration desk. Perhaps I could steal it from them."

"What were you doing at the hospital?" My husband hastily invited Ken outside. Good move. Ken is his cousin; he should get stuck with him.

"Just leave the front door open", I called after them. That way the other guests would know to come on in, rather than knock, and I wouldn't have to be running to answer the door.

"Are you sure you want to do that? It is pretty humid out here." Oooh, good thinking, Ken! All of the windows are open, but we only let humidity come in the front door.

Later, another guest mentions that a mutual friend is having an in-ground pool put in and how exciting that has been to see. We chat about the size of the pool, the landscaping around the pool, the features of the pool and Ken chimes in with, "Why would they spend so much money on a built in pool? Those things are expensive! You never get your money back out of them when you sell the house."

"They aren't planning on selling, Ken. They are planning on swimming." This comment came from another. I wanted to rush into the bedroom to put on my pleated skirt, grab my pom-poms and saddle shoes so that I could cheer them on, but I did not.

"But a built in pool?! How much is it costing them? Why not get an above ground pool? Those are a lot less money and a lot less work."

"Have you ever had a swimming pool, Ken?", I ask sweetly, knowing he has not.

"Well, no, but everybody knows.."

I cut him off. "And why is their pool any of your business?" I'm done being the hostess; I wanna be a boxer. Ken opens his mouth but no words come out. This is a gift from the old HP. I file the question away for future use. Now that I know how to render him speechless I'm going to hang on to it. Getting up to start cleaning up the kitchen, I pause by Ken's chair and say, "If their having an in-ground swimming pool is so objectionable to you, Ken, perhaps you should refuse to swim in it." I pat him on the arm affectionately as I move past.

I sure hope he takes my advice.

Have a good and sober day.