Imperfect Sponsors

When I first got into recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction and joined the recovery program ETA it was 'suggested' that I get a sponsor. This was to be someone with at least 2 years of continuous sobriety (that suggestion came from our judicial system) and had worked the 12 steps. I was to look for a woman that spoke in a way that I could understand, who had the type of sobriety I wanted for myself and who would guide me through the 12 steps as well as all the thrills and chills of early sobriety.

My very first selection, I was under the false impression that strong was the same as mean and/or rude. Then I went to the opposite extreme and got a gal that was quiet (equaled kind in my sick brain) and passive. Next, I chose someone who was so busy that I sat on my 4th step for over 2 months. Finally, I found the woman that is still my sponsor today. I love her dearly (about 99% of the time).

I always laugh to myself when I hear someone in a meeting say they are looking for the perfect sponsor. I would love to say, "The people you have to pick from are a bunch of drunks, you moron! If there is such a thing as a perfect person, you ain't gonna find them in ETA! Knock, knock, knock (on their head). Anybody in there?"

After an ETA meeting a few days ago, a woman, Barbie, asked if she could speak to me. Barbie was having trouble with her sponsor and wanted my opinion. (Obviously, she is still suffering from insanity.) Barbie was not meeting with her sponsor, Midge, as often as she would like, wasn't able to reach her by phone very often and all sorts of other issues. Barbie pointed out many defects of character her sponsor still had: Midge was a micro manager (from a distance?), Midge would talk about other people, Midge expected to do step work before a meeting when other people were around to maybe overhear, Midge didn't like Barbie's new carnal interest, AKA boyfriend. The list went on.

I asked what step Barbie was on. In my experience, pigeons tend to hate their sponsors right before working on the 4th, 5th and 9th steps. These are the steps that generate the most fear for some reason. One of the promises says that fear of people will leave us and, in these steps, we must face people: first ourselves (4&5), then others (9). Maybe that has something to do with it. Barbie was on step 8. Bingo.

I asked, "Why do you go to meetings? Because you are a sick alcoholic trying to get better?" Barbie agreed that was why she goes to meetings. "Why does everybody else go to meetings? Believe it or not, we are not a group of the healthiest people in the world that gather a zillion times a week in this town just in case you decide to show up needing help with your alcoholism." I paused to let this shaft sink into her brain. "We come because we are all sick alcoholics, trying to get better. We give you permission to be sick, you need to give us permission, too. Ever hear of 'Give it away to keep it'?" She had heard of this paradox. "Well, then?"

I asked her how often she calls her sponsor. Answer? Every week or two. I wondered aloud if this might be why they don't talk very often. I asked how many times had she set a time to meet with Midge and Midge canceled or didn't show? Barbie didn't know. How convenient. I asked if she had told Midge she wanted to be more private when doing step work. No, but Barbie had acted miffed at the time so Midge should have known. Because she has ESP, I inquired. Barbie acted miffed again, this time at me! I don't have ESP either, but I'm sharp: Barbie didn't appreciate my comment. Go figure.

Barbie thought she should change sponsors, even though she would have to start all over with the steps. (She must be really afraid of amends and/or Midge's opinion of the new carnal interest!) "Go home and call your sponsor, kiddo. Tell her of your concerns about not meeting very often. Tell her you want to begin reading the Big Book together again. Talk to her about your need for more privacy when working the steps. See if you can work things out with her before you decide to jump ship." I told Barbie this because, as alcoholics and drug addicts, we tend to run from our fears. We don't win any awards for good communication skills. It often seems like we'd rather remove people from our lives than work on removing the difficulties between us.

Dealing with relationship issues, rather than ignoring them, is one of those behaviors we must change when we get clean and sober. And it can be very hard to do. Running from them might be the easier, softer way, but it can get pretty lonely. I can't recover alone. We all have character defects. When I accept this fact about others, even sponsors, I can begin to accept this fact in myself.

Have a good and sober day.