Today is the anniversary of my Granny's birth. Were she still alive, she would be 107. Since she went to live with the old HP, about 25 years ago, today's post will be about how much I love her and how I grieve for her. Granny died before I got into boozing and using every day and I'm grateful for that. We were able to have a relationship untainted by my disease (for the most part) and I don't have to make any amends to her.
When I was a kid, we did all the things kids do with their Grandparents: bake cookies, stay all night, go visit her relatives (especially her sister that lived on a farm), work in the garden together, hunt for 4-leaf clovers amongst the grass in the yard. I have come to realize that Granny was a peaceful sort. Visits with her were not filled with thrills and excitement, they were filled with love and contentment. I still miss those times with her, especially now that I'm in the recovery program ETA and have been clean and sober for a bit. Being content and at peace with yourself is quite a gift.
Finding out that I'm often uncomfortable with emotions and dislike feeling strong feelings was one of the first things I discovered about me in sobriety. With this revelation came the realization that I had few coping skills to handle emotions - I was much better at running away, pretending I was unaffected or covering them up with boozing and/or using. Thanks to this program of recovery, I've developed some true coping skills.
I've also come to the realization that grief over the death of a loved one has no time limit. Granny moved away from this world a long time ago and I still miss her. Here are some of the things I do when I'm missing her and wishing she were here with me.
I have some of the recipes for things we used to make together. I pull one out and let my mind tumble through memories of making things together while I'm preparing whatever dish I'm making.
Granny loved Morning Glories. Every time I see some, I say a little prayer for her. This reminds me that, although she is gone, she is blooming somewhere wonderful.
Granny always had a swing in her yard. I remember that she liked a gentle to and fro, but sometimes she'd let me take the swing as high as it would go. I thought of that when I was sitting in my yard swing this morning. I've come to like the gentle to and fro and haven't once taken the swing as high as it would go.
So today, on Granny's birthday, I'm thinking of her and picturing her hunting 4-leaf clovers in the old HP's yard, along side her sister, and hoping she finds a lot of them.
Have a good and sober day.
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Wow.
ReplyDeleteI've recently found your blog and was doing some reading in my Google Reader this morning after posting a blog about the grief for my grandmother.
Thank you so much for this post.
This was a really beautiful post. I remember having morning glories in the backyard and cooking with my grandma. I'd love to see one of your grannie's recipes!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your Granny and my Grandma E. were somewhat alike. She was a stomach cancer survivor and, while she was healing from having most of her stomach removed, she created a garden in the backyard, pulling herself along in the grass to weed and plant.
ReplyDeleteShe loved butterflies and birds. The center of her home was the kitchen table which was set in a big bay window. We'd watch the birds and look out over the garden.
She liked ceramics, too, and had taken a class where she made all these dancing women and painted them. They were actually very well-done. I remember one of them was a lady with a long purple dress who had a corner of the dress in her hand and was "frozen" in a twirl.
She also kept hats and dresses for me to play with and makeup too! My favorite was a sky blue silk dress. I'd put that on and her red lipstick and sit in the living room and "take a letter" on an old typewriter for my grandpa. He called me his secretary "Mizz Brown."
Thanks for the memories.
BRB- Welcome to my blog! I hope you found some comfort in the post.
ReplyDeleteStark - Amish Cookies were our favorite:
1 C. corn oil 2 eggs
1 1/2 c. sugar 3 c. flour
1 c. sour milk 3/4 t. salt
1 t. each baking soda, baking powder & vanilla
Mix together. Grease cookie sheet. There are only 4 cookies per sheet Pour 1/4 c. batter per cookie. Sprinkle top of each cookie with sugar and bake @ 400 for 7-8 min.
Jessica - I'd forgotten about dress-up!! She made Barbie clothes, too.
Grandmothers are special. I remember mine well. Thanks for sharing this about your dear grandmother.
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