Lately, I've been having a spiritual - not crisis. Let's call it an uncertainty. It feels like I'm getting mixed messages from the old HP and I'm not very happy about it. I get the feeling that the direction He wants me to follow in one area is contradicted by the direction He is giving in another area. I think today's post will be meanderings and see if that brings any clarity.
After years of turning my will and my life over to the care of the old HP, maybe not on a daily basis but pretty darn close, suddenly I'm all confused about what He wants of me. I think that I know and begin to take action, only to run into a road block. This is not the first time this has happened; every alcoholic/drug addict that I've come across (in the recovery program ETA) has experienced something similar. Once again, I am not unique. And I've been in funks, too, but this doesn't feel like a funk. Whatever it is, I can feel hopelessness nipping around the edges and that scares me. Well do I know the tendency to think, "If I can't win, I won't play". Discouragement and a loss of enthusiasm are powerful enemies.
Do I think I'm going to drink? I seriously doubt it. This is not about boozing and using; it's about the thinking part of my disease. Although it could become about boozing and using, if I were to deny what I'm feeling. I have a token that says, "To thine own self be true" on it. I've been told that the truth sets me free. Lies or dishonesty will kill me.
The thought that comes to me is, "Patience is a virtue". Yeah, well. It's not a virtue of mine. But the argument could be offered that I'm only listening to part of what the old HP says and that, once I think I've figured out what He is wanting from me, I dart off to a course of rigorous action of my own choosing. Well, sheet. This is, without doubt, entirely possible. Dang.
Perhaps I could be still knowing not only that the old HP is God, but also knowing that I am not. Frankly, I'm not going to win any awards for great listening skills, either. You know that saying: "Am I talking the talk or walking the walk"? I think, perhaps, I've been trampling the trail. No wonder I'm worn out and making no progress! Duh. Some are quicker than others...
I think I'll spend sometime on the swing in the front yard today. And, if the old HP shows up, I'll try not to interrupt Him.
Have a good and sober day.
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You're back! Glad you're here, meandering or not :)
ReplyDeleteThe old HP and I have been sequestered lately. I'm fairly sure I'll done with this 'trial' by next week. Thanks for waiting for me. Nice to be missed!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous Danny: I don't look for a list of things or objectives from my HP but live my life and then when presented with opportunities to be of help to him or my fellow man, for instance when I meet someone who needs new shoes..lol, I then take appropriate action. That's his will for me..to be of maximun assistance..then I get his blessings from serenity or learning/growing experiences or both.
ReplyDeleteKnowing that I was never anyone's Higher Power was my first step at surrender. I think that we all go through times that test our soul and faith. Glad that you are coming through this.
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