Step Nine

Step nine of the recovery program ETA has us making amends to everyone we have harmed wherever possible except when to do so would cause harm to them or others.  Some of those that I had harmed were rather stupid and irritating.  I feared that, when talking with them, they might still be stupid and irritating and I might feel compelled to slap them.  My sponsor told me that was not the kind of harm they were talking about and to get busy making amends.  Sigh...


Actually, I am somewhat surprised by the way some people in the meetings interpret step nine; they seem to think it's about apologizing.  Step nine says amends, not apology.  Most of us have said we were sorry so many times it has lost all meaning and/or sincerity.  It is not about confessing, either (confessing is done in step five).  Nor is it about unloading guilt so that we feel better.  Amend means to repair something or  to put it right; to change for the better.  Another action step.  Gasp!  I'm so surprised!


Many of us want to get right to making amends after we have been clean and sober for a long time:  say, a month or two.  This is a bad idea.  Rushing the process rarely works out well.  We often end up having to make amends for making amends prematurely.  Looking at what amends means, we haven't yet learned enough about changing ourselves for the better.  This knowledge comes as the result of working the previous eight steps with a sponsor.  When I have a pigeon who wants to make amends right off the bat, I do this.  We go to the head of a staircase.  I tell them to jump and if they can land on the ninth step without falling, hanging on or touching any other step, they can work this step right now.  They look at me in horror and tell me that is impossible.  I agree and explain that we will be working the steps in order.


This step is also a great exercise in understanding 'we do the footwork and leave the outcome up to the old HP'.  None of the people I've made amends to have followed the script I wrote for them.  They have often been hurt by something I did that I don't even remember.  Given the number of times I was in a blackout and the number of brain cells I burnt, this is hardly surprising.  So when I make amends I speak of my wrongs in general rather than specific.  The amends I made to my mother for example.


I did not say:  "The reason I came to visit you so often was because you had such a well stocked liquor cabinet. You and dad got all those fancy gift bottles of booze and you rarely drink, so I drank them for you.  Want me to replace them?"  Instead, I told of my inconsideration towards her and my selfishness.  I spoke of abusing the love she has for me and worrying her with my behavior.  I told her that I couldn't change the past but I also told her what I was doing to keep from being that person again.  I asked her forgiveness and asked what I could do to heal our relationship.


Approached in this way, most people were very receptive of me.  Not all of them, but I did the footwork and left the outcome up to the old HP.  My side of the street is clean.  No longer do I cringe when I think of those dark, dark times.  I stand in the Sunlight, with my head held high and look the world, including myself, in the eye.  A mumbled "Sorry" never brought me such peace.


Have a good and sober day.