Normally, the only type of change I like is metal, round, flat and you feed it to vending machines. Upon rare occasions, I embrace a somewhat different type of change and I'm afraid that this is one of those times. There is a good possibility that I will be changing the name of the blog. I want to join in with a few friends that are starting a blog and there are already a zillion sites that have the name of Sobering Thoughts.
Competition can be good and healthy of course, but let's be realistic. I'm perfectly capable of competing against millions, but zillions is a whole different thing. Not only that, but some of the group that will be posting for the new blog don't particularly like the name of Sobering Thoughts. I know, I know, I can't believe it either. So! Hopefully, we get get the transfer completed today and then we can go from there.
Thank you all for your support and I hope you'll follow me to the new blog. I especially want to thank the Purple Green Tiger Dog for being such a loyal follower of this blog. I love you dearly.
I shall keep you all posted.
Showing posts with label sobering thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sobering thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Blaming
When I first got clean and sober I was a master at blaming others for my own shortcomings. Very rarely was I at fault. If other people hadn't acted the way they did, I wouldn't have been forced to act the way I had to them. As I grew in understanding and self appraisal through working the 12 steps of AA I kind of followed the path of the song "Margaritaville": "...But I know it's nobody's fault.... It's somebody's fault.... It could be my fault.... It's my own damn fault...." Dang. I hate that.
My sponsor, that pig, would tell me to get out of the problem and into the solution rather than looking for someone at whom I could point my finger. (Who asked her? I mean, besides me and that is not the point I'm trying to make here anyway!) Slowly I began to see where it was a waste of time to try and identify who was to blame for any of the struggles I experienced. When I was focused on who should be blamed, I was focused on the problem. No matter who was at fault, the issue at hand had to be dealt with and that was what was important. I began to take responsibility (a bad word if ever there was one!) for my own actions and change the behaviors that caused myself difficulty. In situations that were not caused by my actions, the penchant for blame lingered. I couldn't seem to shake the tendency. I treated everything like it was a car accident; who is at fault and has to pay for the damage? Except even with a wreck there are other concerns that are dealt with before it comes down to fault. You know, little things like getting medical care for anyone that might have been injured or directing other traffic around the accident so that they don't become a part of it... Minor details such as that.
Now, if you haven't yet realized that I'm a really sick person allow me to prove to you that such is the case. Since I couldn't seem to discard this defect of character, I decided to try something else: I put it out there right in front of myself in an exaggerated manner. I started assigning blame for the week to various people in my life. Here is how it works:
On Friday, my friends and I name who is assigned blame for the coming week. Then no matter what happens, it is the assigned person's fault. For example, this week it's Char's fault. She went on a short holiday over the weekend (relaxing by the pool, having meals and snacks prepared for her and not having to help clean-up) and didn't invite us. Can you imagine?!?! She didn't even ask us if she could go! The nerve of some people! Obviously, she needs to be taught a lesson. So no matter what goes wrong, Char is to blame for it.
Last night I made biscuits for dinner and they didn't rise very well. This is Char's fault. She wasn't even here nor did I use her recipe, but that is irrelevant. The fact that I used baking powder that is 3 years old is also irrelevant. Because the biscuits turned out flat, I get to yell at her for it. Then this morning my daughter, Julie, spilled tea on the floor all because of Char. She filled Julie's mug too full - even though she was at work and nowhere near Julie's mug at the time.
Since blame is preordained, I simply skip right over that part and get onto the business of taking action; throwing away old baking powder and putting it on the grocery list so I remember to buy more or cleaning up the spill. Whatever the case may be.
This is totally nonsensical, but that is the beauty of it. It helps me to see how ludicrous it is to focus on who's to blame. What difference would it make? The situation is the same no matter who's to blame and still requires corrective action on my part, which is living in the solution. Many of us fall prey to blaming others for whatever goes wrong and this is just a fun way to remind myself how unimportant pointing the finger can be. Better to laugh and just get on with doing what needs to be done.
Have a good and sober day.
My sponsor, that pig, would tell me to get out of the problem and into the solution rather than looking for someone at whom I could point my finger. (Who asked her? I mean, besides me and that is not the point I'm trying to make here anyway!) Slowly I began to see where it was a waste of time to try and identify who was to blame for any of the struggles I experienced. When I was focused on who should be blamed, I was focused on the problem. No matter who was at fault, the issue at hand had to be dealt with and that was what was important. I began to take responsibility (a bad word if ever there was one!) for my own actions and change the behaviors that caused myself difficulty. In situations that were not caused by my actions, the penchant for blame lingered. I couldn't seem to shake the tendency. I treated everything like it was a car accident; who is at fault and has to pay for the damage? Except even with a wreck there are other concerns that are dealt with before it comes down to fault. You know, little things like getting medical care for anyone that might have been injured or directing other traffic around the accident so that they don't become a part of it... Minor details such as that.
Now, if you haven't yet realized that I'm a really sick person allow me to prove to you that such is the case. Since I couldn't seem to discard this defect of character, I decided to try something else: I put it out there right in front of myself in an exaggerated manner. I started assigning blame for the week to various people in my life. Here is how it works:
On Friday, my friends and I name who is assigned blame for the coming week. Then no matter what happens, it is the assigned person's fault. For example, this week it's Char's fault. She went on a short holiday over the weekend (relaxing by the pool, having meals and snacks prepared for her and not having to help clean-up) and didn't invite us. Can you imagine?!?! She didn't even ask us if she could go! The nerve of some people! Obviously, she needs to be taught a lesson. So no matter what goes wrong, Char is to blame for it.
Last night I made biscuits for dinner and they didn't rise very well. This is Char's fault. She wasn't even here nor did I use her recipe, but that is irrelevant. The fact that I used baking powder that is 3 years old is also irrelevant. Because the biscuits turned out flat, I get to yell at her for it. Then this morning my daughter, Julie, spilled tea on the floor all because of Char. She filled Julie's mug too full - even though she was at work and nowhere near Julie's mug at the time.
Since blame is preordained, I simply skip right over that part and get onto the business of taking action; throwing away old baking powder and putting it on the grocery list so I remember to buy more or cleaning up the spill. Whatever the case may be.
This is totally nonsensical, but that is the beauty of it. It helps me to see how ludicrous it is to focus on who's to blame. What difference would it make? The situation is the same no matter who's to blame and still requires corrective action on my part, which is living in the solution. Many of us fall prey to blaming others for whatever goes wrong and this is just a fun way to remind myself how unimportant pointing the finger can be. Better to laugh and just get on with doing what needs to be done.
Have a good and sober day.
Amazing Grace
I heard a story yesterday about how the song "Amazing Grace" came to be. It is a story about a great sinner (the sins were great not the guy that committed them) and a story about the old HP's forgiveness. It is also a testament to the ability of the old HP to take the remnants great tragedy and harm and turn them into something wonderful. The old HP is really good at doing that, which is probably why He's the old HP and the rest of us are not.
The story begins in the darkest time of slave trading. People were abducted from their homelands and transported to other continents far across the sea. The slave traders would gather as many people as possible, chain them together and throw them into the hull of a ship for transport. The voyages took many months and there were people that did not survive. Those that died were left chained in place and the bodies decomposed right where they had died, leaving the people on either side of them chained to a dead body for the duration.
At the journey's end, those still alive were sold as slaves. Human beings are capable of such atrocious behavior, especially against other human beings. Not everyone is civilized. Perhaps some aren't even domesticated. It is as true in this day and age as it has been in the past.
There was a man that was regarded as one of the best slave traders. Now there's an oxymoron for you! Any way, he had many ships for transport, abducted (and subsequently sold) many people and made lots and lots of money. This went on for years. I'm thinking that money might have been his Higher Power at the time. God, please don't let that ever be true for me.
Eventually, the slave trader began to look into himself and examine what was there inside of him. He discovered that he was an unlovely creature and began to change. As his wrongdoings became obvious, he saw how sinful he had been. I would imagine he tortured himself with all the stupid, ugly and unspeakable things he had done. Maybe even played them over and over, whipping himself each time. This is what I tend to do when I commit a wrong or a sin and so do many other people I've talked to about accepting themselves and the old HP's capacity for forgiveness. So I bet this guy did it, too.
Once he admitted his wrongs and asked the old HP for forgiveness, he was on his way out of the Hell of guilt, shame and remorse. I'm not saying that he became as pure as the driven snow, I'm thinking that the old HP eased this guy's burden a bit. The old HP took the guilt, shame and remorse and helped the guy create a timeless song of great beauty and comfort for others. I also take comfort in knowing that if the old HP has a use for someone that sinful, He probably hasn't given up on me, either.
The grace of God is truly amazing.
Have a good and sober day.
The story begins in the darkest time of slave trading. People were abducted from their homelands and transported to other continents far across the sea. The slave traders would gather as many people as possible, chain them together and throw them into the hull of a ship for transport. The voyages took many months and there were people that did not survive. Those that died were left chained in place and the bodies decomposed right where they had died, leaving the people on either side of them chained to a dead body for the duration.
At the journey's end, those still alive were sold as slaves. Human beings are capable of such atrocious behavior, especially against other human beings. Not everyone is civilized. Perhaps some aren't even domesticated. It is as true in this day and age as it has been in the past.
There was a man that was regarded as one of the best slave traders. Now there's an oxymoron for you! Any way, he had many ships for transport, abducted (and subsequently sold) many people and made lots and lots of money. This went on for years. I'm thinking that money might have been his Higher Power at the time. God, please don't let that ever be true for me.
Eventually, the slave trader began to look into himself and examine what was there inside of him. He discovered that he was an unlovely creature and began to change. As his wrongdoings became obvious, he saw how sinful he had been. I would imagine he tortured himself with all the stupid, ugly and unspeakable things he had done. Maybe even played them over and over, whipping himself each time. This is what I tend to do when I commit a wrong or a sin and so do many other people I've talked to about accepting themselves and the old HP's capacity for forgiveness. So I bet this guy did it, too.
Once he admitted his wrongs and asked the old HP for forgiveness, he was on his way out of the Hell of guilt, shame and remorse. I'm not saying that he became as pure as the driven snow, I'm thinking that the old HP eased this guy's burden a bit. The old HP took the guilt, shame and remorse and helped the guy create a timeless song of great beauty and comfort for others. I also take comfort in knowing that if the old HP has a use for someone that sinful, He probably hasn't given up on me, either.
The grace of God is truly amazing.
Have a good and sober day.
Altered Slogans
Since it feels to me as though things have gotten a tad too heavy, I decided to lighten up a bit and tell you a story:
A friend of mine and I were having dinner out one night after a meeting. Over the past weekend we had attended our state AA Convention, where there were many speakers from all over the US, a fancy dinner and a dance. During the weekend there were also many little shops where one could buy t-shirts and sweat shirts that had AA slogans printed on them. Being as we are both alcoholics, my friend and I felt that we could modify, and therefore improve, these slogans. Here are a few of our ideas.
Half measures avail us nothing - give 51%
Does "Freedom from Bondage" mean that I have to get rid of all those toys in the closet?
If I'm working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is a program of action, why am I not a size 4?
Sober does not have an "M" in it. That would be somber, and we ain't that.
I'm allergic to alcohol; I break out in handcuffs whenever I drink.
"Lead us not into temptation" ain't just a line in a prayer.
I've already hit my bottom. Would you like me to hit yours?
I'll probably spend eternity in Heck. I've been to Hell and I know how to escape.
...Our leaders are but Twisted Serpents, they do not govern...
... If you want what we have and are willing to go to any weight to get it...
I don't stand at the "Turning Point". It's more like a "Sit and Spin".
The Few, The Proud, The Sick. I belong.
Have a good and sober day.
A friend of mine and I were having dinner out one night after a meeting. Over the past weekend we had attended our state AA Convention, where there were many speakers from all over the US, a fancy dinner and a dance. During the weekend there were also many little shops where one could buy t-shirts and sweat shirts that had AA slogans printed on them. Being as we are both alcoholics, my friend and I felt that we could modify, and therefore improve, these slogans. Here are a few of our ideas.
Half measures avail us nothing - give 51%
Does "Freedom from Bondage" mean that I have to get rid of all those toys in the closet?
If I'm working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is a program of action, why am I not a size 4?
Sober does not have an "M" in it. That would be somber, and we ain't that.
I'm allergic to alcohol; I break out in handcuffs whenever I drink.
"Lead us not into temptation" ain't just a line in a prayer.
I've already hit my bottom. Would you like me to hit yours?
I'll probably spend eternity in Heck. I've been to Hell and I know how to escape.
...Our leaders are but Twisted Serpents, they do not govern...
... If you want what we have and are willing to go to any weight to get it...
I don't stand at the "Turning Point". It's more like a "Sit and Spin".
The Few, The Proud, The Sick. I belong.
Have a good and sober day.
Amends, Confession and Apology
Steps eight and nine in the Alcoholics Anonymous program of recovery from alcoholism speak directly to clearing up the wreckage of our past. It is here that we begin to heal relationships and rebuild the bridges that collapsed under the weight of our active addictions. Both steps specifically state the word amends, so right away, I'm thinking they mean amends. (I'm quick like that.)
The definition of amend, as found in my dictionary, is "change something in order to improve or correct it", and the definition of amends is "restitution of a wrong." This is what these steps suggest we to do. They don't ask us to apologize or confess, although these things might occur in the course of making amends to someone, we are to change behaviors that others find harmful or do something now that we really should have done before. Pay our bills, for example.
Stopping the harmful behavior is the first step in making amends. Simply apologizing for hurting someone and then continuing to act the same way is pointless. If I cheat at cards, which I would never do in a million years, and someone calls me on it, I apologize. But an apology is pointless if I continue to cheat. Of course, eventually nobody will play cards with me so I'll stop the poor behavior, but this isn't quite what I'm talking about here. I have to make the effort to knock it off on my own. Dang. This sounds suspiciously like self discipline.
Confession is good for the soul and it does serve a purpose, but we don't unburden ourselves at the expense of another's piece of mind. "I want to apologize for talking about you after the meeting when you had to leave early." I might feel wonderful for being such a stand-up and righteous person by apologizing, but the person I talked about is left wondering what was said, who heard it and what everybody thinks about them now. This is not changing my behavior to correct a wrong, this is telling on myself so that I get rid of the guilt I'm feeling about what I did. This is selfish and the same old 'It's all about me!' attitude that got me into trouble in the first place. What I might do instead, if I need to make amends for gossiping about another, is go to each person I told the gossip to and tell them that I was wrong and had no right to say those things. I also say that I will try to not gossip in the future and then do so.
In my experience, it is very likely that someone who heard my snide or negative remarks will repeat them to the one I was gossiping about so they might confront me. That is when I admit my wrong, tell them I've admitted it to the people I told, ask what else I can do to make it right and then do it.
Boy, do I sound preacher like in todays post! I think it's because I'm rushing to get done before I have to leave for a meeting I'm chairing. So! I'll step down off my soapbox now and try not to rant and rave in my future postings. That might mean that I'll have to get up earlier so that I'm not rushed. Sigh...... Sometimes I really hate those amends steps...
Have a good and sober day.
The definition of amend, as found in my dictionary, is "change something in order to improve or correct it", and the definition of amends is "restitution of a wrong." This is what these steps suggest we to do. They don't ask us to apologize or confess, although these things might occur in the course of making amends to someone, we are to change behaviors that others find harmful or do something now that we really should have done before. Pay our bills, for example.
Stopping the harmful behavior is the first step in making amends. Simply apologizing for hurting someone and then continuing to act the same way is pointless. If I cheat at cards, which I would never do in a million years, and someone calls me on it, I apologize. But an apology is pointless if I continue to cheat. Of course, eventually nobody will play cards with me so I'll stop the poor behavior, but this isn't quite what I'm talking about here. I have to make the effort to knock it off on my own. Dang. This sounds suspiciously like self discipline.
Confession is good for the soul and it does serve a purpose, but we don't unburden ourselves at the expense of another's piece of mind. "I want to apologize for talking about you after the meeting when you had to leave early." I might feel wonderful for being such a stand-up and righteous person by apologizing, but the person I talked about is left wondering what was said, who heard it and what everybody thinks about them now. This is not changing my behavior to correct a wrong, this is telling on myself so that I get rid of the guilt I'm feeling about what I did. This is selfish and the same old 'It's all about me!' attitude that got me into trouble in the first place. What I might do instead, if I need to make amends for gossiping about another, is go to each person I told the gossip to and tell them that I was wrong and had no right to say those things. I also say that I will try to not gossip in the future and then do so.
In my experience, it is very likely that someone who heard my snide or negative remarks will repeat them to the one I was gossiping about so they might confront me. That is when I admit my wrong, tell them I've admitted it to the people I told, ask what else I can do to make it right and then do it.
Boy, do I sound preacher like in todays post! I think it's because I'm rushing to get done before I have to leave for a meeting I'm chairing. So! I'll step down off my soapbox now and try not to rant and rave in my future postings. That might mean that I'll have to get up earlier so that I'm not rushed. Sigh...... Sometimes I really hate those amends steps...
Have a good and sober day.
Crabs
Last night at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous there were many newcomers, most of which were from a facility with a residential drug and alcohol treatment program. I have been in several different meetings with some of these women and am interested in watching how alcoholics interact with each other After all, I am one and watching other alcoholics teaches me a lot about me.
Anyway, there was this cute, slender, young thing with dimples (that was so full of fecal matter it was almost laughable) who seemed to delight in making disparaging remarks to another gal who was not as cute or slender. She did this mostly by saying hurtful things and then quickly claiming that she was just teasing. I wanted to smack the sweet young thing but my sponsor insists that smacking people is not sober behavior. Dang. I hate that.
Instead, I took the other gal aside after the meeting and told her she might want to consider finding more people to hang out with, people that didn't run her down. I told her that I figured she didn't need any help telling herself she was inferior, it seemed she was able to do that all by herself. Most of us already know how to beat ourselves up when we get here. Then I told her something that I learned years ago.
Did you know that you need not put a lid on a bucket of crabs? Even though crabs are very mobile, there is little chance they will escape because if one of them starts to get near the top the others pull it right back down. Once the crabs are in the bucket they guarantee their own demise by keeping each other trapped. I suggested that she look for people that will support and encourage her as she travels the road to recovery and make friends with them instead. I also told her that when I call someone a crab, I'm being very insulting. I'm saying that person is so negative that being in their presence is liable to kill me.
Have a good and sober day.
Anyway, there was this cute, slender, young thing with dimples (that was so full of fecal matter it was almost laughable) who seemed to delight in making disparaging remarks to another gal who was not as cute or slender. She did this mostly by saying hurtful things and then quickly claiming that she was just teasing. I wanted to smack the sweet young thing but my sponsor insists that smacking people is not sober behavior. Dang. I hate that.
Instead, I took the other gal aside after the meeting and told her she might want to consider finding more people to hang out with, people that didn't run her down. I told her that I figured she didn't need any help telling herself she was inferior, it seemed she was able to do that all by herself. Most of us already know how to beat ourselves up when we get here. Then I told her something that I learned years ago.
Did you know that you need not put a lid on a bucket of crabs? Even though crabs are very mobile, there is little chance they will escape because if one of them starts to get near the top the others pull it right back down. Once the crabs are in the bucket they guarantee their own demise by keeping each other trapped. I suggested that she look for people that will support and encourage her as she travels the road to recovery and make friends with them instead. I also told her that when I call someone a crab, I'm being very insulting. I'm saying that person is so negative that being in their presence is liable to kill me.
Have a good and sober day.
Sanity
In the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous the second step states:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
As a sponsor I have guided many people trying to get and stay sober through the steps and have worked the steps with my own sponsor. Usually working the steps involves some sort of written assignment to help the new person understand how to apply them to a sober life. There are many ways to work each step which gives recovering alcoholics some autonomy and many sponsors don't request writing assignments until the fourth step. If I (or my sponsor) is guiding you through the steps you will have written assignments for almost all twelve of them. I expect that we'll cover all the steps quite a number of times and quite a number of different ways in this blog.
But in the second step, we ask our Higher Power (the old HP) for sanity. Through the years I've been sponsoring, I've discovered that many people don't know the meaning of sanity. People know what sanity is not, but rarely has anyone sat down and truly thought about it - and sanity is different for everybody. Yes, I know that there are many of the same threads running through each understanding of sanity, but how I define sanity for me is probably not exactly how you define it for you. I believe there is a personal definition for all.
So when we ask the old HP to restore us to sanity and have no clear idea of what we are asking for, how will we know if He's restored it? In the beginning, when we are trying not to yield to that first drink, it's easy to understand what we are asking for, but as the compulsion to drink fades it might not be so obvious.
As with most other words, sanity can have more than a single definition. For example, let's look at the word Hard. Hard means not soft, but it also means difficult. Some small towns have quite a bit of sediment and minerals in their water and we say it's "hard" water. Same word; different meanings.
Since I'm an alcoholic I know that I'm not sane when I start thinking a drink sounds like a good thing. I've discovered that my definitions of sanity usually speak directly to my defects of character.
One of my character defects is 'people pleasing'. When I find myself trying to arrange a situation that will make everybody involved happy and I become agitated because I can't, I know I will drive myself insane by attempting to succeed when it is simply not possible and I ask the old HP to restore me to sanity.
Having the appropriate amount of emotion invested in any given situation is another definition of sanity for me. When I make a mistake I tend to tell myself that it was such a colossal error that thousands of people (maybe even the entire world!) will be affected by it and know that I was the one at fault. They will probably remember it forever, too. Or if someone hurts my feelings I spend lots of time telling myself that it doesn't matter, even though it does matter and I am upset by it. In both circumstances the amount of emotion I've invested is inappropriate and I must call upon the old HP to set me back on the path of sobriety and sanity.
By looking at me and discovering my thinking patterns I am able to see when I am most likely to experience insane thoughts. By keeping the old HP close and asking Him to restore me to sanity at the first signs of irrational thinking, I reduce the chances of falling back into the insanity of destroying myself.
What is sanity to you?
Have a good and sober day.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
As a sponsor I have guided many people trying to get and stay sober through the steps and have worked the steps with my own sponsor. Usually working the steps involves some sort of written assignment to help the new person understand how to apply them to a sober life. There are many ways to work each step which gives recovering alcoholics some autonomy and many sponsors don't request writing assignments until the fourth step. If I (or my sponsor) is guiding you through the steps you will have written assignments for almost all twelve of them. I expect that we'll cover all the steps quite a number of times and quite a number of different ways in this blog.
But in the second step, we ask our Higher Power (the old HP) for sanity. Through the years I've been sponsoring, I've discovered that many people don't know the meaning of sanity. People know what sanity is not, but rarely has anyone sat down and truly thought about it - and sanity is different for everybody. Yes, I know that there are many of the same threads running through each understanding of sanity, but how I define sanity for me is probably not exactly how you define it for you. I believe there is a personal definition for all.
So when we ask the old HP to restore us to sanity and have no clear idea of what we are asking for, how will we know if He's restored it? In the beginning, when we are trying not to yield to that first drink, it's easy to understand what we are asking for, but as the compulsion to drink fades it might not be so obvious.
As with most other words, sanity can have more than a single definition. For example, let's look at the word Hard. Hard means not soft, but it also means difficult. Some small towns have quite a bit of sediment and minerals in their water and we say it's "hard" water. Same word; different meanings.
Since I'm an alcoholic I know that I'm not sane when I start thinking a drink sounds like a good thing. I've discovered that my definitions of sanity usually speak directly to my defects of character.
One of my character defects is 'people pleasing'. When I find myself trying to arrange a situation that will make everybody involved happy and I become agitated because I can't, I know I will drive myself insane by attempting to succeed when it is simply not possible and I ask the old HP to restore me to sanity.
Having the appropriate amount of emotion invested in any given situation is another definition of sanity for me. When I make a mistake I tend to tell myself that it was such a colossal error that thousands of people (maybe even the entire world!) will be affected by it and know that I was the one at fault. They will probably remember it forever, too. Or if someone hurts my feelings I spend lots of time telling myself that it doesn't matter, even though it does matter and I am upset by it. In both circumstances the amount of emotion I've invested is inappropriate and I must call upon the old HP to set me back on the path of sobriety and sanity.
By looking at me and discovering my thinking patterns I am able to see when I am most likely to experience insane thoughts. By keeping the old HP close and asking Him to restore me to sanity at the first signs of irrational thinking, I reduce the chances of falling back into the insanity of destroying myself.
What is sanity to you?
Have a good and sober day.
Appendix II: Spiritual Experience
When I go to an AA meeting where we study the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am surprised at how often the foot notes that refer to the Spiritual Experience in the back of the book are overlooked or ignored. I don't know about you, but I require a spiritual relationship with the old HP to stay sober. The few pages explaining different types of spiritual experiences has been invaluable to establishing and maintaining a bond with my Creator. Yet it seems they are rarely included in the study.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in an AA meeting where we skipped over the foot note. Several of the others in attendance obviously feel the way I do about the Spiritual Experience and it was interesting to see how we each reacted. One of us spoke first when the discussion part of the meeting began and expressed disapproval of the lapse. One of us simply read the whole thing when his turn to share came. I signed up to chair the meeting for the next month, which started this week.
Appendix II on Spiritual Experience was the Big Book reading the first meeting this month and it was a great meeting, too. Several people in early recovery spoke about their anxiety over not having a 'bright light' as Bill W., one of AA's founders, had experienced. Others felt that not having the bright light or burning bush moment was more proof that God could help them but would not do so because they were too bad/sinful. The reading and discussion cleared up some misunderstandings and gave some different perspectives to approach a relationship with a personal Higher Power. Hark! Perhaps that is why they put those pages in there! Who'd have ever guessed?
There is a quote at the end of the Spiritual Experience written by Herbert Spenser:
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
In closing the meeting, I told the group that I knew of the perfect example of contempt prior to investigation, but it was not AA approved literature. (There were a few sticklers about this in the meeting.) I said that, while I was a bit nervous to fly in the face of convention, I was going to show the literary piece anyway. I took it out of my back pack and held up the book
"Green Eggs and Ham", written by Dr. Seuss.
Have a good and sober day.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in an AA meeting where we skipped over the foot note. Several of the others in attendance obviously feel the way I do about the Spiritual Experience and it was interesting to see how we each reacted. One of us spoke first when the discussion part of the meeting began and expressed disapproval of the lapse. One of us simply read the whole thing when his turn to share came. I signed up to chair the meeting for the next month, which started this week.
Appendix II on Spiritual Experience was the Big Book reading the first meeting this month and it was a great meeting, too. Several people in early recovery spoke about their anxiety over not having a 'bright light' as Bill W., one of AA's founders, had experienced. Others felt that not having the bright light or burning bush moment was more proof that God could help them but would not do so because they were too bad/sinful. The reading and discussion cleared up some misunderstandings and gave some different perspectives to approach a relationship with a personal Higher Power. Hark! Perhaps that is why they put those pages in there! Who'd have ever guessed?
There is a quote at the end of the Spiritual Experience written by Herbert Spenser:
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
In closing the meeting, I told the group that I knew of the perfect example of contempt prior to investigation, but it was not AA approved literature. (There were a few sticklers about this in the meeting.) I said that, while I was a bit nervous to fly in the face of convention, I was going to show the literary piece anyway. I took it out of my back pack and held up the book
"Green Eggs and Ham", written by Dr. Seuss.
Have a good and sober day.
Doing the old HP's will
Step 3 of Alcoholics Anonymous states: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as you understand Him. Part of working the twelve step recovery program is to ask your Higher Power to help you do His will throughout each day, instead of your own. And this means that we must have frequent contact with a Higher Power during the day so that we can stay on the path of recovery.
Personally, I think it was a fabulous idea for the old HP (aka God or my Higher Power) to give me free will. I feel that decision was a particularly brilliant move on the old HP's part. An absolute masterstroke! And everything would have been just fine and wonderful except then He messed it up by giving free will to everybody. In my life this causes numerous conflicts and arguments. I am astonished by the number of times that other people don't do as I wish. Or, and this is just a baffling, they neglect to ask my opinion at all! And I have an opinion on just about everything.
To show you just how sick an alcoholic I was when I got into recovery, I believed that giving my will up and doing the old HP's will instead would make me a puppet of sorts. Maybe a robot. I don't know. But I pictured myself going about living on auto-pilot. However, now that I have worked step 3 and (even harder) try to live the principles of step 3, I know that I was wrong. My will gets more of a workout by trying to bend it to conform to the old HP's will than it ever did when I allowed myself to run on self propulsion. I am amazed at the force necessary to turn away from my own wants and follow the old HP. In fact, if my will power had a body it would be bursting with muscles built from resisting my own impulses!
Frequently, I stubbornly refuse to comply with doing what the old HP wants me to do. At least initially. Eventually, I give in out of exhaustion or, perhaps, out of self defense. Because nobody nags like the old HP. Have you noticed this? He is positively relentless! You can't go away. You can't hang up on Him. You can't shut the door in His face. You can't plug your ears. He simply will not stop! Even if He decides to take a break, He has other people start making comments about why your doing whatever it is that He wants you to do is a good idea. Capitulation is inevitable if you ever again want to have peace of mind.
Which is why I started this blog. The old HP has been nagging me for a long time to put some of my sobriety/spirituality experiences in writing and share them with others. So! Here I am, living step 3, having no clue where the old HP is leading me but following along blindly. Because experience has taught me that these mystery trips are always exciting and I can count on the old HP's courage to save me when I step out of my comfort zone.
Have a good sober day.
Personally, I think it was a fabulous idea for the old HP (aka God or my Higher Power) to give me free will. I feel that decision was a particularly brilliant move on the old HP's part. An absolute masterstroke! And everything would have been just fine and wonderful except then He messed it up by giving free will to everybody. In my life this causes numerous conflicts and arguments. I am astonished by the number of times that other people don't do as I wish. Or, and this is just a baffling, they neglect to ask my opinion at all! And I have an opinion on just about everything.
To show you just how sick an alcoholic I was when I got into recovery, I believed that giving my will up and doing the old HP's will instead would make me a puppet of sorts. Maybe a robot. I don't know. But I pictured myself going about living on auto-pilot. However, now that I have worked step 3 and (even harder) try to live the principles of step 3, I know that I was wrong. My will gets more of a workout by trying to bend it to conform to the old HP's will than it ever did when I allowed myself to run on self propulsion. I am amazed at the force necessary to turn away from my own wants and follow the old HP. In fact, if my will power had a body it would be bursting with muscles built from resisting my own impulses!
Frequently, I stubbornly refuse to comply with doing what the old HP wants me to do. At least initially. Eventually, I give in out of exhaustion or, perhaps, out of self defense. Because nobody nags like the old HP. Have you noticed this? He is positively relentless! You can't go away. You can't hang up on Him. You can't shut the door in His face. You can't plug your ears. He simply will not stop! Even if He decides to take a break, He has other people start making comments about why your doing whatever it is that He wants you to do is a good idea. Capitulation is inevitable if you ever again want to have peace of mind.
Which is why I started this blog. The old HP has been nagging me for a long time to put some of my sobriety/spirituality experiences in writing and share them with others. So! Here I am, living step 3, having no clue where the old HP is leading me but following along blindly. Because experience has taught me that these mystery trips are always exciting and I can count on the old HP's courage to save me when I step out of my comfort zone.
Have a good sober day.
want to vs willingness
When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous I learned that Honesty, Open Mindedness and Willingness were essential if an alcoholic were to stay sober. These three attitudes were indispensable. What I didn't know was that wanting and willingness are not the same thing. That took me a while to understand. I had always thought them synonymous.
Finally, I thought about vegetable soup. When we were kids and my mom would make it for dinner, we kids would wail, "I don't like vegetable soup!" My parents would respond to that by saying: You don't have to like it, you just have to eat it. That was tough to argue with. (My parents were always sneaky like that; making comments that couldn't be argued with. My mom would also make something really yummy for dessert on the nights she made vegetable soup and we couldn't have dessert until we ate our dinner. Maybe we'll talk about that resentment in a later post.)
I got to AA on the honor system: Yes, your honor, I will go to those meetings. I did not want to go to an AA meeting every single day, but it was kind of like vegetable soup. I didn't have to want to, I had to do it. So I went to an AA meeting every single day.
Then I got a sponsor. (She had seemed so sweet and supportive and nice until we started working the steps!) She would make suggestions. If I said that I didn't want to do what she suggested she would tell me that it didn't matter, I had to do it anyway. Dang. She really had seemed kind in the beginning! I couldn't figure out what had happened. Maybe she was in league with the court system?
Back to wanting vs willing. Think about it like this: I do not want to be homeless, so I am willing to give my money to the mortgage company. I don't want my house to be dirty, so I am willing to clean it. I do not want to gain weight, so I am willing to avoid high calorie foods. (OK. Not all the time.) I do not want to have another heart attack, so I am willing to take my medication and exercise. And there are some days that I don't want to practice there principles in all my affairs but I'm not willing to get drunk or become the person that I used to be, so I practice the principles.
There are many slogans in AA. Not one of them says: Think the next right thing. Know the next right thing. Ponder the next right thing. Feel warm and fuzzy about the next right thing. Agree with the next right thing. It says DO the next right thing. And Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action!
Now, I haven't read every piece of AA literature ever written, but in the literature that I have read I've never seen where we must be ever cheerful about doing what is right. Not one of the steps says we must have constant zest and zeal, be enthusiastic or go around singing while birds and small animals follow us about (think Disney).
Today, I'm willing to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the old HP because I don't want what I had when I was running the show and practicing self will run riot. Speaking of the old HP, I'd better check in.
Have a good and sober day.
Finally, I thought about vegetable soup. When we were kids and my mom would make it for dinner, we kids would wail, "I don't like vegetable soup!" My parents would respond to that by saying: You don't have to like it, you just have to eat it. That was tough to argue with. (My parents were always sneaky like that; making comments that couldn't be argued with. My mom would also make something really yummy for dessert on the nights she made vegetable soup and we couldn't have dessert until we ate our dinner. Maybe we'll talk about that resentment in a later post.)
I got to AA on the honor system: Yes, your honor, I will go to those meetings. I did not want to go to an AA meeting every single day, but it was kind of like vegetable soup. I didn't have to want to, I had to do it. So I went to an AA meeting every single day.
Then I got a sponsor. (She had seemed so sweet and supportive and nice until we started working the steps!) She would make suggestions. If I said that I didn't want to do what she suggested she would tell me that it didn't matter, I had to do it anyway. Dang. She really had seemed kind in the beginning! I couldn't figure out what had happened. Maybe she was in league with the court system?
Back to wanting vs willing. Think about it like this: I do not want to be homeless, so I am willing to give my money to the mortgage company. I don't want my house to be dirty, so I am willing to clean it. I do not want to gain weight, so I am willing to avoid high calorie foods. (OK. Not all the time.) I do not want to have another heart attack, so I am willing to take my medication and exercise. And there are some days that I don't want to practice there principles in all my affairs but I'm not willing to get drunk or become the person that I used to be, so I practice the principles.
There are many slogans in AA. Not one of them says: Think the next right thing. Know the next right thing. Ponder the next right thing. Feel warm and fuzzy about the next right thing. Agree with the next right thing. It says DO the next right thing. And Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action!
Now, I haven't read every piece of AA literature ever written, but in the literature that I have read I've never seen where we must be ever cheerful about doing what is right. Not one of the steps says we must have constant zest and zeal, be enthusiastic or go around singing while birds and small animals follow us about (think Disney).
Today, I'm willing to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the old HP because I don't want what I had when I was running the show and practicing self will run riot. Speaking of the old HP, I'd better check in.
Have a good and sober day.
Manipulation
When we were in active addiction, whether is was alcohol, drugs or some other substance, we became very manipulative. "How can I get what I want?" was often the primary motivation for our actions. If we did a favor for someone we remembered it forever and used it as a weapon to bludgeon that person into giving us what we wanted at some future time. Sometimes we manipulated people without conscious thought, although most of the time I knew exactly what I was doing.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states ".... an alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature...." No kidding. I was unlovely when I was in my cups or not - half measures avail us nothing! (I'm a sick alcoholic and, in some ways, I'm not even trying to get better.)
The people in just about every meeting I've ever gone to say manipulation is bad, wrong, don't do it. Well, I have an opinion about that. We alcoholics have an opinion on just about everything - whether it's our business or not. Aren't we fun?
Now, I don't know about you, but I was very good at manipulation when I got into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I didn't eradicate that from my character when I worked the steps with a sponsor. After I read Step 4 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, I realized I didn't have to get rid of behaviors as much as I had to change those behaviors. The12X12 says that our "instincts run amok". Seems to me that means I've got to harness them, not execute them. In the beginning, people in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous said that I only had to change one thing about me - everything. That has proven to be true. (How could that be? When I got here, I was wonderful! Except when I was the worst human being to ever draw breath!)
I couldn't pack the ability to manipulate everything and everyone into a box and store it in the attic. It was a very real part of who I was. In fact, I had sold my soul for that skill. Ugly but true. Had I thrown it away completely, I would have deprived myself of one of my greatest assets. Seriously! Think about it...
When we strip the selfishness from manipulation it becomes problem solving. I realize that it's tough for some people to wrap their head around such a change in perception, but think about it. For example:
A woman had brought her three kids to a meeting that she desperately needed. The kids acted like every newcomer's kids: Loud, disrespectful, running and jumping on everything, frequently disrupting their mom - you know, newcomer kids. Nobody was able to focus on the meeting. So I start thinking how I can work this to my, and the other's, advantage.
What is it I want; what is the goal?
The goal is to get those kids to quit interrupting the meeting.
How can I achieve the goal?
I could yell at the kids but that probably wouldn't get me what I want. I discard that option.
I could slap the kids but my sponsor says that slapping people isn't sober behavior. I gotta discard that option. Dang. I really liked that one.
I could find something to occupy them, but what? Okay, God, help me out. There is some string in my car. There are some bushes outside. I give the string to the kids and tell them to tie up the bushes. The rest of the meeting is peaceful. I got what I wanted, I achieved the goal. After the meeting, I cut the string off the bushes in about 2 minutes and threw it away.
Same manipulative behavior; the motive is different. Think about it.
That's it for now. My dad's in the hospital and my mom has dementia. They can't live at home without help because my mom wanders off and my dad can't chase her down by himself. My dad won't put my mom in a nursing home and doesn't want to live there himself, either. They could live with us, but our house would need modifications and we already have a family room addition. Adding on isn't a good option for us.
Luckily, I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I've got a Higher Power (whom I choose to call the old HP). I've got some manipulating to do, so that's it for today.
Ok, old HP. What is the goal and how can I achieve it according to Your purpose?
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states ".... an alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature...." No kidding. I was unlovely when I was in my cups or not - half measures avail us nothing! (I'm a sick alcoholic and, in some ways, I'm not even trying to get better.)
The people in just about every meeting I've ever gone to say manipulation is bad, wrong, don't do it. Well, I have an opinion about that. We alcoholics have an opinion on just about everything - whether it's our business or not. Aren't we fun?
Now, I don't know about you, but I was very good at manipulation when I got into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I didn't eradicate that from my character when I worked the steps with a sponsor. After I read Step 4 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, I realized I didn't have to get rid of behaviors as much as I had to change those behaviors. The12X12 says that our "instincts run amok". Seems to me that means I've got to harness them, not execute them. In the beginning, people in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous said that I only had to change one thing about me - everything. That has proven to be true. (How could that be? When I got here, I was wonderful! Except when I was the worst human being to ever draw breath!)
I couldn't pack the ability to manipulate everything and everyone into a box and store it in the attic. It was a very real part of who I was. In fact, I had sold my soul for that skill. Ugly but true. Had I thrown it away completely, I would have deprived myself of one of my greatest assets. Seriously! Think about it...
When we strip the selfishness from manipulation it becomes problem solving. I realize that it's tough for some people to wrap their head around such a change in perception, but think about it. For example:
A woman had brought her three kids to a meeting that she desperately needed. The kids acted like every newcomer's kids: Loud, disrespectful, running and jumping on everything, frequently disrupting their mom - you know, newcomer kids. Nobody was able to focus on the meeting. So I start thinking how I can work this to my, and the other's, advantage.
What is it I want; what is the goal?
The goal is to get those kids to quit interrupting the meeting.
How can I achieve the goal?
I could yell at the kids but that probably wouldn't get me what I want. I discard that option.
I could slap the kids but my sponsor says that slapping people isn't sober behavior. I gotta discard that option. Dang. I really liked that one.
I could find something to occupy them, but what? Okay, God, help me out. There is some string in my car. There are some bushes outside. I give the string to the kids and tell them to tie up the bushes. The rest of the meeting is peaceful. I got what I wanted, I achieved the goal. After the meeting, I cut the string off the bushes in about 2 minutes and threw it away.
Same manipulative behavior; the motive is different. Think about it.
That's it for now. My dad's in the hospital and my mom has dementia. They can't live at home without help because my mom wanders off and my dad can't chase her down by himself. My dad won't put my mom in a nursing home and doesn't want to live there himself, either. They could live with us, but our house would need modifications and we already have a family room addition. Adding on isn't a good option for us.
Luckily, I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I've got a Higher Power (whom I choose to call the old HP). I've got some manipulating to do, so that's it for today.
Ok, old HP. What is the goal and how can I achieve it according to Your purpose?
I'm just here to help
Today is the first post on my new blog, Sobering Thoughts. In my recovery from addictions I've noticed that many alcoholics and drug addicts don't know how to laugh at themselves. This is a skill that I believe to be invaluable, yet I find those that are newly sober don't know how to do this and their sponsors don't teach them this art. So! I am here to help!
"I'm just here to help" is one of my favorite things to say when talking with another alcoholic. Chances are that my objective is very different than the alcoholic I'm conversing with. And I have a rather quirky, dry sense of humor- perhaps more so than most alcoholics. Anyway, I was talking with someone after an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. She was working on a research paper on Calvinism and was having trouble getting the information together. I told her that I had several books of the 'Calvin and Hobbes' comic that she might find useful. She gave me a look that said: Buzz Off. I replied, "I'm just here to help."
She then said, "I know. When you die, we're going to put that on your tombstone. She Was Just Here To Help. And if you don't stop helping me, it's going to be soon." We all laughed and her project didn't seem quite as overwhelming as before.
Hope you have a great sober day!
"I'm just here to help" is one of my favorite things to say when talking with another alcoholic. Chances are that my objective is very different than the alcoholic I'm conversing with. And I have a rather quirky, dry sense of humor- perhaps more so than most alcoholics. Anyway, I was talking with someone after an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. She was working on a research paper on Calvinism and was having trouble getting the information together. I told her that I had several books of the 'Calvin and Hobbes' comic that she might find useful. She gave me a look that said: Buzz Off. I replied, "I'm just here to help."
She then said, "I know. When you die, we're going to put that on your tombstone. She Was Just Here To Help. And if you don't stop helping me, it's going to be soon." We all laughed and her project didn't seem quite as overwhelming as before.
Hope you have a great sober day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)