Manipulation

When we were in active addiction, whether is was alcohol, drugs or some other substance, we became very manipulative. "How can I get what I want?" was often the primary motivation for our actions. If we did a favor for someone we remembered it forever and used it as a weapon to bludgeon that person into giving us what we wanted at some future time. Sometimes we manipulated people without conscious thought, although most of the time I knew exactly what I was doing.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states ".... an alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature...." No kidding. I was unlovely when I was in my cups or not - half measures avail us nothing! (I'm a sick alcoholic and, in some ways, I'm not even trying to get better.)

The people in just about every meeting I've ever gone to say manipulation is bad, wrong, don't do it. Well, I have an opinion about that. We alcoholics have an opinion on just about everything - whether it's our business or not. Aren't we fun?

Now, I don't know about you, but I was very good at manipulation when I got into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I didn't eradicate that from my character when I worked the steps with a sponsor. After I read Step 4 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, I realized I didn't have to get rid of behaviors as much as I had to change those behaviors. The12X12 says that our "instincts run amok". Seems to me that means I've got to harness them, not execute them. In the beginning, people in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous said that I only had to change one thing about me - everything. That has proven to be true. (How could that be? When I got here, I was wonderful! Except when I was the worst human being to ever draw breath!)

I couldn't pack the ability to manipulate everything and everyone into a box and store it in the attic. It was a very real part of who I was. In fact, I had sold my soul for that skill. Ugly but true. Had I thrown it away completely, I would have deprived myself of one of my greatest assets. Seriously! Think about it...

When we strip the selfishness from manipulation it becomes problem solving. I realize that it's tough for some people to wrap their head around such a change in perception, but think about it. For example:

A woman had brought her three kids to a meeting that she desperately needed. The kids acted like every newcomer's kids: Loud, disrespectful, running and jumping on everything, frequently disrupting their mom - you know, newcomer kids. Nobody was able to focus on the meeting. So I start thinking how I can work this to my, and the other's, advantage.

What is it I want; what is the goal?
The goal is to get those kids to quit interrupting the meeting.

How can I achieve the goal?
I could yell at the kids but that probably wouldn't get me what I want. I discard that option.
I could slap the kids but my sponsor says that slapping people isn't sober behavior. I gotta discard that option. Dang. I really liked that one.
I could find something to occupy them, but what? Okay, God, help me out. There is some string in my car. There are some bushes outside. I give the string to the kids and tell them to tie up the bushes. The rest of the meeting is peaceful. I got what I wanted, I achieved the goal. After the meeting, I cut the string off the bushes in about 2 minutes and threw it away.

Same manipulative behavior; the motive is different. Think about it.

That's it for now. My dad's in the hospital and my mom has dementia. They can't live at home without help because my mom wanders off and my dad can't chase her down by himself. My dad won't put my mom in a nursing home and doesn't want to live there himself, either. They could live with us, but our house would need modifications and we already have a family room addition. Adding on isn't a good option for us.

Luckily, I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I've got a Higher Power (whom I choose to call the old HP). I've got some manipulating to do, so that's it for today.

Ok, old HP. What is the goal and how can I achieve it according to Your purpose?