Early Judgement

When I first started attending Alcoholics Anonymous I was very excited about meeting people just like myself. That had never happened before. Ever since I could remember I'd felt that I was different from all the people I ever met. It had seemed that everyone had been given a directory on how to live life easily except me. But the people in Alcoholics Anonymous were just like me! What a glorious and wonderful thing!!

That lasted for about a month. Then I started noticing the differences between them and me. First of all, I still had all of my teeth. I brushed them regularly, too. People who go around without teeth aren't as good as I am. People who have stained teeth are beneath my social level, too. Have they not heard of dentists?

Also, I combed my hair. I washed it daily, too. There were people in the AA meetings that did not do this. Couldn't they see how important this is? Messy hair is very unattractive, you know. Daily bathing is an absolute must as well. Personal grooming ought to be one of the first things one attends to each morning and checked throughout the day. Other people (although I would never do such a thing) will judge, perhaps rather harshly, them on this.

After clothes are dry, you are to remove them from the dryer and hang them up immediately. Otherwise, your clothes will have wrinkles and just think how horrible that would be! And while we are talking about clothes, there are certain colors and patterns that simply do not go together. Did they not know this? Someone needs to teach them these things! (Visions of me, standing at a podium, with charts and color swatches no less, sprang to my mind.)

Somehow, in my sick thinking patterns, I used the differences between myself and others as proof that I was not an alcoholic. How I came to this conclusion, I have no idea. (Which is really too bad since, today, I'm sure I would find it hilariously twisted.) On and on I went, picking out out the social errors of 'Those People'.

But the final straw was when I noticed someone who's socks did not match. Horrors!! What was I going to do? I was not like 'Those People' but I was stuck going to those stupid AA meetings for another 18 months at least. I had months and months of being forced to rub shoulders with inferiors. (The fact that I been forced into AA as the result of my committing a felony was irrelevant. They were still inferior! Looking back, I still laugh aloud at the ridiculous attitude I displayed then. What a sick-o!!) I sat on my high horse with my nose in the air over the socks incident for the rest of the day.

Getting on my knees for the perfunctory "Thank you" my sponsor required me to say to my Higher Power every night, the affront to fashion experience came to mind again and I shuddered. The thought then came: "Yeah, well, 'Those People' know how to stay clean and sober and you don't. So when you die, what do you want put on your tombstone: She died clean and sober or She died with matching socks?"

You know, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. 'Those People' do know how to stay clean and sober. And no matter how judgemental and sanctimonious I was, and can still be sometimes, they love and accept me for who I am. I've been clean and sober for over 10 years now because they also taught me how to be one of them. Today I am a part of (not apart from) Alcoholics Anonymous. For which I am humbly grateful to them and my Higher Power. I can't do it alone. By the grace of the old HP I don't have to even try.

Have a good and sober say.