Planning and Protecting

My dad has a terminal illness. All of the medical tricks have been exhausted and the end is approaching. I can hardly imagine a world without my daddy in it and I know that losing him is going to hurt quite a bit. I am afraid of feeling the pain of grief and loss that I know is coming, partly because I've never before lost someone that was very close to me and partly because I won't have the chemical insulation of boozin' and usin' between me and my feelings. There is a stupid kid's story book that says something like: "The little bear can't go over it. He can't go under it. He can't go around it. He must go through it!" I used to like that book (until I saw the hidden message for me in the story). Now, with this pending emotional storm looming on the horizon, it seems more like a threat. I'm going to have to go through it.

Within the past few weeks, a friend of mine lost her mother. She handled that in the way Alcoholics Anonymous has taught us to deal with these things - she talked about it, she wrote about it, she took things one day at a time, she shared her experience, strength and hope about it, and she tries to focus on the positive memories with her mom. When I asked her to tell me of her experiences, she set aside her grief and was candid about her feelings.

Another friend, also in AA, lost her dad in the past few months. I asked her how she soothed her emptiness and she, too, was very honest about her experience. She had located some spiritual books and other writings in his personal effects. Upon looking through them, she discovered her dad had underlined, highlighted and written in the margins of many of the books and papers. She was comforted to discover that her dad had a personal relationship with God that is very similar to her own. The feeling that they have God in common brings her tremendous solace.

And yet another friend said that his sponsor and others in the fellowship of AA surrounded him and helped him bear his grief. They made sure he ate, rested and was never alone unless he needed to be alone. Fellow AA's came to the viewings and funeral and just sat quietly in the back, not interrupting or intruding but just letting him know they were there if he needed them.

Each of these people have had something to offer me. Here are some of the things I'm doing: Avoid the trap of grieving my dad while he is still here with us. Seize the time remaining and fill it with the good memories to reflect on when I'm sad or missing him after he's gone. Tell the people that I'm close to and those in my home group what is happening. Keep in close contact with my sponsor so that she will notice any subtle changes in my attitude or behavior. I also asked my dad to write down (in his handwriting) his favorite movies, Bible stories and spiritual writings so that we, too, can have a God in common and I can seek comfort from these things when I want to feel close to both of my Fathers.

The Alcoholics Anonymous program teaches us to resist projecting or predicting the future and I'm trying not to do so. But we are encouraged to lean on each other in tough times and that's what I'm doing. These actions I'm taking are not going to prevent me from feeling feelings I'd rather not experience, they are building and setting into place a safety net for what ever is ahead. I've told my Higher Power of my fears and asked Him to help me to remember to keep Him close and to be able to feel His protection and care in the coming months. I expect there will be some dark days ahead but, armed with the Sunlight of the Spirit, I'll be able to see my way through. And the soldiers in sobriety will have my back. All I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and I'll be just like the bear in that story - I'll go through it.

Thanks to the old HP and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I won't be going through it alone. With a bit of planning and some action, I'm protected.

Have a good and sober day.