Getting Out Of Self

Today I'm a bit overwhelmed by everything going on in my life. Since I won't be going to an AA meeting until this evening and there is much to do between now and then, I'm going to dump it right here and now.

Alcoholics Anonymous encourages alcoholics in recovery to 'get out of yourself'. And many of us believe that means work with another alkie - call somebody and find out what is going on in their world, spend time talking to a newcomer, work the steps with a pigeon, getting involved in service work, etc. It does mean that. However I also believe it means identifying your intense feelings and doing something to get them outside of me, since intense emotion tends to expand until I feel ready to burst out of my own skin. Ready, set, go!

A good friend in the program has been falling into some old behaviors as well as making some impulsive, questionable decisions (with increasing frequency) over the past several months. She has a sponsor, but doesn't keep in contact with her. Her other close friends and I have been very concerned about her and have tried to talk to her about it, but she hasn't been able to hear any of us. Finally, I confronted her and was very blunt. She hung up on me and we haven't spoken for several weeks now. I have no idea how she is doing.

My mom has dementia. She has been dying, one brain cell at a time, for several years. She doesn't know who her husband or her children are. Every time I see her, she appears to have less balance and is becoming more frail. My dad has been taking care of her at home and has some help with doing so. But still, it is a gargantuan responsibility. She gets into these rages sometimes that my dad finds impossible to deal with. Two nights ago, I had to run into the city to pick her up to spend the night at my house. I am grateful to be able to do this for my dad; it is part of the benefits of being sober and part of my living amends. But I have my own health issues and my mom is incontinent. Cleaning her up is very difficult for me. My dad has offered to foot the bill for me to put in a bathroom with a bidet and a handicap shower and I've been getting estimates from contractors.

My dad is terminally ill and is fading fast. My siblings and I were called to his house a few days ago to hear his final wishes. He wants my mom to be cared for at their home for as long as possible after he has gone. Getting my home ready in order for me to care for her is so that we can give her caregiver a break for 2-3 nights per week, when my mom will stay at my place. I can't fathom a world without my daddy, and I am sad knowing it is coming soon.

Three different contractors have been asked to give quotes on the bathroom. The first one came in with a figure so high, I had trouble not laughing at him when he presented it. The second guy came out ten days ago and I haven't heard from him since, despite leaving messages on his voice mail. The third guy, the one my dad wants to hire because my brother knows him, got our appointment day/time confused and it has been impossible to reschedule ever since.

Something is wrong with my eyes or contacts. I haven't been able to see up close with them or far away with out them for the last couple of days. Whatever is 10-12 feet away is fine, but outside that 2 feet space? Forget it. My glasses are too strong for me, but that never mattered before because I always wear my contacts. Now it matters a whole bunch and can't be fixed instantly. I want to blame somebody else for this, except I know it is the result of my neglecting to fix it a long time ago ( and doesn't that always make it better? Knowing it's your own fault).

My husband hates change and detests spending money even more. He is concerned that the bathroom project won't be done before my dad passes and my husband will end up paying for the bathroom, which will require expensive modifications that we wouldn't necessarily choose for ourselves. When we talked about it, he started listing all the money already spent on the house this year and it is a considerable amount. But he listed an improvement that I thought was a birthday gift that he made for me and I'm incredibly hurt by that. He made me an herb garden that is beautiful and I was so proud of it and I guess I felt it was a labor of love - from him to me. Now I feel like it was a labor of increasing the value of our property. Like most alcoholics, I'm overly sensitive. I know this, but it doesn't make the hurt any less.

The fact that I've got tears in my eyes just writing about the herb garden tells me that is probably the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All the other stuff is stressful and frustrating and scary and I don't want my mom and dad to go live with the old HP leaving me here without them. But the people in Alcoholics Anonymous have taught me to share my fears, hurts and whatever else is wrong, with myself, with the old HP and with another human being. (step 5.) I think I've figured out my wrongs and shared them with you. I better go talk to the old HP so He can tell me what actions to take to make it all right again.

Have a good and sober day.