Step Eight

Step eight of the alcohol and drug addiction recovery program ETA (Every Thing Anonymous) states: Make a list of everybody you harmed and become willing to make amends to every single of them.

Oh goodie. Doesn't that sound like a barrel of laughs? It is no wonder that every single one of us rush to complete this step. It seemed rather like the 'appetizer' for the 'meal' of actually making amends (next month's step). The main ingredient in both was humble pie. Yummy. One of my favorites. How about you?

With the exception of step one, this was the step that required the most praying for willingness. Whenever I thought of those that I needed to make amends to, I also had trouble staying in today. Just the name would spin me into dread and worry. I would envision all sorts of nightmare like scenarios; being screamed at or being physically attacked. Maybe even being shunned! People would go out of their way to avoid me and/or tell everybody what a rotten person I was. Oddly enough, this had a way of tamping down any willingness I might muster.

When my sponsor finally beat it into my skull that all I was doing was making a list, I finally settled down a bit. It was then that I realized that I'd done step three already and the old HP was running my show. My faith in the old HP was being put to the test- I either believed He would protect and care for me with complete abandon or I didn't. I made a fearless and searching effort to find a loop hole. There were only those two options. Dang.

Despite the difficulty and fear of the amends process or, perhaps, because of these things, my relationship with the old HP was solidified by working step eight. I admitted to Him, me and my sponsor I was terrified to proceed and then lasso-ed the old HP and brought Him along. Since He led me to it, He wasn't about to get to sit at home while I went through it! There is a saying like that somewhere. I might not have stated it verbatim...

The point is that I needed all the tools I'd forged in the previous steps to work through this one: willingness, sanity, trust in the old HP, looking at my part in my wrongs, admission of fear, letting the old HP remove some of my old behaviors and replacing them with healthy coping skills. Once I was shown how to apply all I'd learned toward the compilation of my list, it became much easier to complete. It took blood, sweat and tears but, luckily, no boozing or using. Like most of the things I've done in ETA, it was a difficult and painful experience. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

Have a good and sober day.