We Take Hostages

Throughout my years in ETA I've often heard that people who struggle with substance abuse do not have relationships; we take hostages. Of course, we only say that after we get into recovery. Were you to make that comment to someone who is still in active addiction you would probably earn a black eye and at least one broken bone. It is not a compliment.

It took me a while, working the steps, to completely understand the saying and you know what? I've come to realize is that I can still do this in recovery! Horrors!! Can you imagine? Here I am, working and living the 12 steps (with a sponsor no less!) and I still have defects of character. Astonishing to say the least. Here are some of the ways that I and others, also in recovery, take hostages.

If I do a big favor (or many little favors) for someone, I might come to believe that they owe me something. Should I ever need a favor, I could easily expect them drop everything and rush to my side and help me. Maybe even do it for me.

Should I move out to the country, miles away from my friends, I throw all kinds of social events and then politely demand they they come to every event as proof of how much they care about me. Should they not attend one of the events, they had better have a doctor's note or a notarized document explaining their absence. I will be icily civil to them until they show up at the next event or beg forgiveness. On their knees. In front of others. So all will see how gracious and generous I am.

When you ask for my advice, especially about the same situation we talked about before, you better follow it if you ever want me to help you again.

Perhaps you end up in a financial crisis and need money from me. Doesn't matter if it's a loan or a gift that I give, I just might feel that paid for it (and possibly you) and so I own it (and possibly you). I might consider that I've bought the right to comment on your behavior regarding all aspects surrounding the financial transaction.

At a meeting, or anywhere there are more people than you and me, you share your experience, strength and hope about a subject. If I think that you are talking about me, I may believe that you are talking about something I told you in confidence and become indignant and offended. I remain that way until you beg my forgiveness (see description above).

The last one is my favorite. Let's say I'm going through a really tough time with something, losing my dad for example. You tell me about a wonderful experience you had with your dad this past week end. I am incredulous at how inconsiderate you are! Taking on the role of injured drama queen (and playing it with Oscar-winning ability) I not only ruin your happiness for the moment, I also taint the memory of your wonderful time with your dad.

Looking at these things written out, it's easy to see how childish and ridiculous they are and I can even laugh about them because none of the examples I give here are real. The concept is real but not the details. However, when I act like that, it is not funny. It can be very hurtful and cause quite a bit of damage. Just because I'm in recovery doesn't mean that I won't think and act like an alcoholic. I'm going to be one for the rest of my life. Which is why I have to keep the old HP close.

What are some of the ways that you've encountered the attitude of "We don't have relationships; we take hostages"?

Have a good and sober day.