But I don't wanna!!

Being a card carrying member of the recovery program ETA, allows me certain privileges. I got my seat in this wonderful fellowship the old fashioned way: I earned it. (Actually, there are no cards to carry, I just like the authority implied with the phrase.) Nobody can buy their way into ETA, although most of us had practically sold our souls by the time we got here, including me. One of the privileges that is guaranteed to all dedicated members is self honesty.

The people that belonged before I joined taught me that whatever is true for me is just fine, it truly is okay. It is when I deny that something is true about me that I get into trouble.

My mom is staying at a rehab hospital while she recovers from a broken hip. She has dementia/Alzheimer's and has deteriorated markedly in the weeks since my day died. In my opinion, everything that made my mom, my mom is gone and I hate seeing her like this. She doesn't know who she is, who I am, who my siblings are, her grand kids, nobody. And it breaks my heart. I could stop right there and everyone (except my sponsor) would feel bad for me, and my mom, and be understanding. And this is true: It breaks my heart seeing her like this. My sponsor says that lying by omission is still dishonesty. Oh. Yeah.

I have the privilege of being honest with myself. Lucky me. So here is the truth for me in regard to this issue: I would rather justify not visiting her than be slapped in the face with the undeniable truth, which is: she's gonna die and leave me an orphan. Every time I see her I'm reminded. And I don't like it. Going to visit her on a regular basis is the next right thing, but...but... But I don't wanna!

This is what's true for me and it's fine. Nobody said that I have to want to do the next right thing. They said that I have to DO the next right thing. So I went to see her yesterday and took the old HP with me. I feel better having gone, though it was still heartbreaking.

While I was writing the above paragraphs, I was bawling my eyes out and a friend called to ask what I was doing so I told her and we talked about yesterday. She said that our parents remain alive in our memories and that struck me. It was the piece I've been missing in all this. I'm afraid that all I'll remember is the last few months of her life, how sick she's been, how much the disease has diminished her. I'm afraid that these things will smother the memories of all the good times we've had together.

I need not be afraid of that. The old HP was there through all the good times and He has a great memory. I can just ask Him to remind me of the good stuff. As for the hard times now? The old HP tags along for those, too, giving me protection and strength. I don't have to want to do the next right thing but, with the help of the old HP I can be willing to just do it. And feel privileged.

Have a good and sober day.