Self Forgiveness

Today's topic was suggested by an analyyyzer and I can't tell you how tempted I am to write out specific instructions, complete with footnotes, cross-references, bullet points, etc. But I've decided that's too much work, so I'm going to be spontaneous.

One of the first things that I had to learn when I began working the steps of the recovery program ETA was to abandon the quest for perfection. Slowly, painfully, my sponsor helped me pry each finger loose from the death-grip I had on the belief that I must do everything perfectly in order to measure up. She had me put up sticky-notes all over my house (even in my car, for crying out loud!!) that said, "Do what you can do." It was a difficult time for both of us.

One of the things I learned from this exercise was that I had limits to my abilities. In studying my past, I saw I done some awful things, but no worse than most other people. I had hurt people, but I could do my best to repair the damage and do whatever was necessary to stay clean and sober so that I didn't have to act like that again. And that was a big factor in learning to forgive myself: I never had to be like that again. There were a few daily actions that I must attend to, but being someone different and acting differently from now on was possible. I must turn my thoughts and actions over to the care of my Higher Power and let Him guide me through the thrills and chills of daily life. I do that every morning and again many times throughout each day.

Letting the old HP take charge and run things taught me how much I need to lean on His strength and guidance. As I said in yesterday's post; making a mistake meant that I talked with the old HP on how to do things better next time, not how horrible I was for screwing up in the first place. Asking myself how much the entire world is affected by my mistakes helped put things in perspective, too. Honestly, the world isn't changed much by what I do. Quite frankly, I'm not that powerful. What a relief! I've learned to laugh at myself, too. I've spent a lot of time being my own worst enemy. I'm going to try being my own best friend, which seems to be working out much better for me and for those around me.

Perhaps the biggest thing I've learned is this thought: The old HP is capable of forgiving anything and everything. When I can't forgive myself, I'm really saying that I'm greater than God. And I know better than that. Sometimes I need His help in forgiving myself, but that's okay. He's running the show and is pretty good at it so I'm sure He'll tell me just what I need to do.

Have a good and sober day.