Guilt

When I first came into the recovery program ETA I was filled with guilt and had been for as long as I could remember. A good friend once told me that guilt = I did something bad; shame = I am something bad. Following this definition, I suppose that I had quite a bit of both. Through working the steps with a sponsor, I jettisoned the shame. Guilt seemed to get replenished every day and, for me, lasted much longer. It can still grab hold of my thoughts and attempt to convince me that I've done something so bad that I am bad. Sick, sick thinking. Dangerous and slippery, too.

Since I was once filled with guilt, it is easier for me to recognize it in someone else, which is what happened at a recent ETA meeting. This woman walked in and I could see the load of guilt she carried. I ached for her because I can remember what that feels like. Later, I asked her what she was going to do to put the guilt aside so that she could recover. She stared at me like I was some sort of Clara Voyant and asked how I knew.

I told her that I used to speak that language therefor it was easy for me to interpret. I also told her that I wasn't trying to pry, ETA practically demands us to respond to another who is suffering. Not only that, but I don't want to face the old HP and try to explain why I did nothing to ease the pain that I had seen in one of His children. I already have plenty of explaining to do, thank you very much.

She said that she has a sponsor and is working the steps with her, and I certainly don't want to step on any one's toes, but I gave her my phone number and told her she could call me anytime just to chat. I hope that I hear from her. Maybe she will come to the same meeting next week.

The thing is: I believe that, sooner or later, we have got to forgive ourselves for being what the old HP made us to be. For whatever reason, the old HP needed me to be an alcoholic and join ETA. (Maybe I'll ask Him about that in my 'explanation session' when we finally meet...) While I'm not responsible for being an alcoholic, I am responsible for managing my disease. This is a necessary part of God's plan for me or I'd be someone else, living somewhere else doing something else. He needs me right where I'm at physically, mentally and spiritually.

My job is to do the best that I can with what I've got to work with, here and now. Carrying a load of guilt keeps me focused in the past, which I can't do anything to change. If I'm focused on anything other than the here and now, I am unavailable to do what the old HP wants me to do today.

You see, I believe that guilt is a tool but only when I use it to change future behavior. Beyond that, it becomes a weapon that I use to beat myself down. Maybe even far enough that my alcoholism can overcome me. If that happens, I'm unavailable for all. When I make a mistake, I talk it over with the old HP and we try to figure out a better way to handle a similar situation in the future. (I also apologize to anyone that may have been hurt by my mistake.) Then I let go of it. Not always, of course. "We are not saints." Often enough, though, that I rarely carry guilt for more than a few hours. I've already come up with a possible solution so I don't need to keep looking at the problem.

Finding how to unload that choking weight of guilt was an incredible gift that came with sobriety. I have found it so valuable that I'd like to give it away as many times as possible.

Have a good and sober day.