Sponsor vs. Friend

My sponsor has always been of the opinion that she is not my buddy, she is my sponsor. Since this is how I was raised in the recovery program ETA, this is also what I've believed. My buddies are my friends, not my sponsor (although I have talked with them about recovery issues when my sponsor was unavailable). This is a very definite boundary I've always set and maintained. Until now.

Barbie asked me to sponsor her several months ago and I agreed. Unlike many of my pigeons, Barbie had been sober for a few years and had worked the steps with a previous sponsor. She was by no means a newcomer and I ignored the boundary between sponsor and friend. Barbie is a lot of fun to be with and we laugh quite a bit when we are together. We've gone to social events together, spent time at each others home, talked about personal things not related to recovery; in short, we became buddies.

And by doing so, I did her a disservice. By blurring the line between sponsor and friend, Barbie got confused about our relationship and the dynamics between pigeon and sponsor. A suggestion from a friend is one that I listen to, consider and then decide whether or not I will take action. Those suggestions are optional. A suggestion from a sponsor is one I listen to and then take action on. They are more like politely worded commands. My sponsor makes suggestions that I don't necessarily agree with and don't particularly like. She tells me that I don't have to like it, I just have to do it and because I want to stay clean and sober, I do what she tells me.

I did not intend to confuse Barbie but the world doesn't judge us by our intentions. We are responsible for our actions, not our intentions. My words didn't match my actions because what we said in fun was appropriate in friendship. When the same thing was said in sponsor mode, it became unacceptable. Talk about mixed messages! I owe my pigeons consistency and I didn't do that for Barbie. I treated her as though she were unique and that attitude can be life threatening for an alcoholic.

To set a boundary and then not stick to it is unhealthy for me. It also leads to misunderstandings and possibly resentments. I know this, but forgot. What will happen in this situation has yet to be determined. If the recovery/working relationship is to continue, I'm going to have to reset the boundary and stick with it. My sponsor gives that consistency to me and I owe no less to the people that I sponsor. Women ask me to help them live/work the 12 steps of recovery and that means that I not only take them through the book Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps of recovery, but that I also lead by example.

Experience, you got to love it. I think that's some kind of law for us human beings. And there is no doubt that I'm human. Sigh.....

Have a good and sober day.