Responsibilities

Today is one of those days for me. I want to have met my obligations for today, I just don't want to meet them. There are errands that need to be run, tasks that must be completed, chores that need to be done, etc. I really want all these commitments to be accomplished. I really want them to be accomplished without taking any action.

The recovery program ETA is a program of action. Doesn't that bite? So much easier to sit on my duff wanting to meet my responsibilities rather than actually doing something about it. Sure wish thinking about things was productive! But I have learned, through working the steps of ETA, that wanting and willing are not the same thing. Dang.

ETA stands for Every Thing Anonymous. Those of us who are actually in the program, as opposed to around it, are taught to turn Every Thing over to the care of a Higher Power. I call my Higher Power the old HP, and I try to turn my thoughts and actions over to His care. I did that today during my morning prayers but I've been thinking since then and have discovered that I have zero motivation for action. On days like this especially, morning prayers are not enough; I have to deal with reality.

Today, I really want to disappear into a trashy novel or computer games but I am not willing to accept the consequences of those actions. Knowing and admitting these thoughts to the old HP opens the door to changes in me. I then ask the old HP to give me whatever it is I need to get moving. When I'm like this I don't really know what I need to get out of the funk but the old HP knows Every Thing about me including what I need to do the next right thing.

I ask for His help by saying, "God, please give me whatever it is I need to meet my commitments for today." Then I take a single step toward action and the old HP keeps up my momentum. Do I want to take even that first tiny step? No. But I'm willing to do so because I know the old HP will help me if I do. He will help me do anything but He won't do for me what I won't do for myself.

Today's blog is late and short but it was written and posted today. Now I have to run because I feel the willingness to tackle the rest of my day and I know that it's easier for me to keep moving than to start moving. The hard part, getting started, has already happened and there is much to be done today. The old HP and I have people to see and places to go.

Have a good and sober day.