Many times around the rooms of the recovery program ETA I have heard the cliche' "The good is the enemy of the best." This might be true in some instances, but to a former perfectionist? We think not. Do people really think that cliche's are 'one line fits all'?
When I first started working the 12 steps of ETA with my current sponsor (who must be a saint because she hasn't strangled me), she made me put up those little sticky notes everywhere. They said: "Do what you can do." I had a slight problem with focusing on what I had not accomplished, as opposed to what I had. For example, if I cleaned out the refrigerator and did the dishes along with making supper, I would say that I should have wiped down the cupboard doors and mopped the floor, too. I was belittling my achievements and she said that wasn't healthy. So I had these stupid little notes all over the house - even in my car!- for months.
My attitude was that if I didn't do everything that needed done perfectly, it didn't count. It was also a fabulous excuse for not doing anything at all. Thank goodness my sponsor didn't enlighten me on that point until much later. I'd have probably killed myself trying to prove something to the world.
For me, and for probably all perfectionists, the saying would be: "The best is the enemy of the good". If I start thinking that I must do everything best, I'm on pretty shaky footing. I will start thinking that I must be the best, at everything, and I thought that when I got to recovery. We work the steps to get better not to reinforce harmful beliefs. I have a disease of perception, which means that I can take a blanket statement, twist and turn it, wrap it tightly around me and smother myself.
Unless we are talking about effort and not outcome. If I put forth the best effort I can with what I have to work with then, yeah. But once I start judging whether I've done the best by the outcome, I tend to start thinking that I'm not good enough. Danger! Danger! I used to think that and it almost killed me. I'm not going there again.
Do you ever think you, or someone else, are not 'good enough'? Let's ask the old HP if He thinks one of His creations isn't 'good enough'? You can go first.
Have a good and sober day.
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This is definitely something to think about. I am sure in the past years we have discussed this particular situation; however, I must say I have never seen it put like this. Damn!
ReplyDeleteI will have to remember this when I am not giving myself (or others) enough credit. Damn, damn.
Jensicle
My most recent realization of this was this.....I have 2 Beautiful adult children that have gone on to have their own beautiful children. They both have great jobs (Keith in Army over 15 years) Heather wanted children but didn't want them in daycare, so she started her own daycare business which has been successful for over ten yrs) Neither one has been addicted to anything, has never beat their kids or spouse, they pretty much obey the law and take care of their families..........but all I could focus on was "those poor kids were raised by a drunk". I now know that even though I was a practicing functioning alcoholic, I did do some things right, and they are living proof. The other thing I've done right is getting sober, making amends and living each day knowing I don't have to be perfect! Who knew!
ReplyDeleteI hadn't ever heard that cliche before.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to this blog entry. Wow. Especially when it comes to my recovery.