Analyyyzer Day 510.4

Analyyyzer

\ANAL-why?why?why?-zer\
noun
Meaning

: an adult that consistently responds to any statement or explanation by asking, "But, why?"; one who convinces him/herself that they are looking for information when in reality they want to stay focused on the problem; a major irritant to sponsors and other mentors

This past week, I was reading a monthly magazine for alcoholics. In the last few pages was a little blurb giving the results from a study that was obviously thought up, and executed, by at least one analyyyzer. The study was obviously an effort to please the guru of Ultimate Understanding and Self Actualization.

I think it is only fair to tell you that I'm not an alcoholic or an addict anymore. I now have a substance use disorder instead. Yes, the study shows that people will like me, and you, more if that is what we call ourselves. Alcoholics and drug addicts have a stigma attached to them. The study didn't say so but I think the stigma might be related to the fact that we are liars, cheats and thieves before we get into a recovery program, such as ETA, and work the steps. There is also the possibility that we earned the bad reputation because an intoxicated alcoholic/addict is an unlovely creature. Keep in mind that I'm just guessing here. My conjecture is not based on anything other than my own experience, not a long term, expensive study (although I feel that gathering my personal experience was also fairly costly).

Not to worry, though. That will all be forgotten with a label change. By saying we have a substance use disorder we will be able to mingle with the masses without fear of being judged. It's kind of like a geographical cure with words; an identification cure, so to speak. I can't tell you how much better I feel. When everybody discovers that having a substance use disorder is the same thing as an alcoholic/addict, we'll pick another way to confuse them. It's all about the way you spin it and alcoholics/addicts know a lot about spin (though usually it has been the room or the bed that spins).

People pleasing, obfuscating and semantics are no longer defects of character! It's not as though we would actually be lying, we are only dressing it up so it sounds better. Let's just call it political correctness. That's trendy! We are the poor, sweet, innocent victims of a disorder. We can prove it because many of us have been charged with disorderly conduct in the past. Plus, almost every alcoholic/addict that I know needs help getting into the victim role and having a disorder will help ease us into becoming victims. And hedging the truth will make people like us. (I know my loved ones were thrilled whenever I hedged the truth in the past and, in doing so, I intensified their feelings about me.) Sounds like sober behavior to me! I'm sure that my sponsor will be on board with it, too. I wonder if this means that, if someone calls me a drunk, I can slap them?

Have a good and sober day.