Get this!

Get this!! Okay, so, I have a number of chronic health issues: one is fairly serious, one is easily managed (as long as I go to meetings of the recovery program ETA), and one is a big pain; literally. My doctor orders some blood work. He is always ordering blood work; it's his favorite thing on the menu. Maybe he is really a witch doctor - he certainly seems to think I'm a voodoo doll. But I digress.

The test shows I have too much insulin in my blood. I see this as a reflection of my personality, I always like 'more'. He sees it as a problem and sends me to nutrition class. Since I am obedient to a fault (alcoholics and addicts are known for being obedient), I attend. It's a class on following a diabetic diet and I have the opposite problem. Of course I'm almost bored to death but right before I expire the teacher addresses a comment to me. Stifling a yawn, I tell her that I have plenty of insulin (oh! I get it now, they probably want me to donate some to the other students. Okay with me, I'm generous, too). She says I have the wrong kind of insulin.

Oh, good grief! My insulin is made by me, for me. How many kinds of insulin does a girl need? She tells me that my pancreas is turning out faulty product. Well, isn't that just wonderful. Now I get to do an inventory on my organs because they are doing half measures and I'd bet, if I rooted about for the cause, I'd find that the exact nature of it is sloth. My sponsor and I have already dealt with this defect. I doubt that she's be willing to go through that walk-in-the-park again. I'll have to get a new sponsor. Maybe I'll bring up the topic for my next ETA meeting: How do I find an organ sponsor?

The teacher tells me that I have pre-diabetes. WHAT? (The doctor has failed to mention this, that little chicken-fecal matter!) Needless to say, I am now in no danger of dozing off. I'm in much more danger of going off, probably on the teacher. Lucky for her, I'd brought the old HP to class with me and I'm usually opposed to slapping people while He is around.

A cheerful, little voice, from the ever-present teachers assistant, pipes up from the back of the room. "Do you know how lucky you are? You've been given a gold mine!" I whip around in my chair to stare at her. She flashes me a dazzling smile. That does it! I'm donning full battle dress, old HP or no or no old HP. Give me my chain mail, gloves, shield and sword so I can educate this idiot teacher!

"You should be grateful!" Don't tell me how I 'should' feel unless you want to experience grave bodily injury. "You don't have diabetes yet." Adding to my "yet" list always brings me joy. How about you? "You can still prevent it." I've heard this type of comment before. It is French for, "Take action" and "You are responsible", and I hate both those things.

My blood is boiling, I'm fighting the urge to rip this jerk's face off and hit her with it while the old HP is yelling in my ear, "Is this who you want to be today?" You betcha! "Are you sure?" An inner struggle ensues. Dang.

I say, "Learning that I have pre-diabetes is not a gold mine, in my opinion. Do not tell me how I'm supposed to feel. I have permission to be unhappy about it and I have permission to be ungrateful. I know this because I gave myself permission to feel these things. Having another chronic health issue that changes my life is upsetting and I certainly don't need you spouting warm and fuzzy crap about gratitude at me!" The old HP kicks me under the table. I take a deep breath. "I'll get there but I need time to adjust."

"I just want you to know what a gift it is for you to find out before you have diabetes and how fortunate you are." Is she asking for it or what?

"Shut up." The old HP clears His throat. "Don't say anything else. I need time to adjust and, when I've done so, I'll call you for more information." Like I'd want to hear what you have to say, is what I'm thinking. Like I'd ever speak to her again in this lifetime. She better not ever step out in front of my car...

Class is over and I bolt for the door. Getting into my car, I know that the old HP will help me with ANOTHER life style change. I remind Him that I'm still unhappy about it and He tells me that's okay, too. We will tackle it together.

Have a good and sober day.