Crabs

Today's post is not about an STD. I wanted to get that out of the way before anybody allowed their inner pervert free reign or got all excited for no reason. I'm writing about those people who insist on living in a bad space; those in a chronic bad mood. Those whose personal motto is: My outlook is miserable and I want to share it with you.

Let's say that you want crab for dinner. You get whatever gear is needed to gather the crabs and a bucket to place them in so you can keep them corralled. Live crabs are mobile, after all, and you want to get enough crabs for everyone to eat.

One thing that you do not need is a lid for that bucket. While crabs are mobile, they are not upwardly mobile. Crabs have a really charming tendency: if any one of them makes any progress towards escape, the rest of the bunch pulls it back down. I know people like this.

They are always snatching pleasure from those around them. Heaven forbid that someone be excited by an accomplishment. A crab will quickly suggest the person needs humility. Or, say someone is telling a story where they are laughing at their own behavior. A crab interrupts and says something critical about the story, the person or the behavior. A crab is like the attitude police: anything enjoyable must be quashed.

No teasing is allowed, either. If someone is teasing another, and they are both having fun, a crab will admonish at least one of the participants and spout dire warnings about how teasing is bad and they must stop before some one's feelings get hurt.

Or, and this is my personal favorite, you are at a meeting with people in the recovery program ETA. A person who had relapsed in the past gets a token for, say, a year of sobriety. Everyone claps and says good job, congratulations and that sort of thing. Everyone but the crab. The crab says, "You got a year sober. Again. Do you mean it this time or are you going to relapse like you did before?"

I know that we can't keep crabs out of ETA meetings, but can't we just lock them up somewhere while the rest of us have a good time? Since they are the perpetual wet blankets, let's put them in a dryer. Don't they ever get laryngitis? What about duct tape? Do the traditions say anything about duct tape?

God, please don't let me become a crab. I don't want to be constantly dragging people. I don't want my efforts to be focused on keeping someone down either. But know this: If I call you a crab, I'm truly and sincerely insulting you.

Have a good and sober day.