Group Inventory

Sorry this is posted so late. My computer, the internet, blogspot and everything else involved have been operating on self will run riot this morning. This has not been in alignment with my will and, unlike the old HP, I was willing to beat these things into submission, which took much longer than I might have wished. I had a charming explanation of how I came to write the following but I lost the whole thing when I tried to publish and I'm not doing it over.

The following is a joke. The Trusted Servants (TS) of an online meeting sent out a request for a group inventory to all members and then, being unable to agree, everybody argued forever. I finally lost my temper and responded to a few select members (not at group level) with the following. Read it in fun.

1. What is the basic purpose of ETA Serenity?

To increase agitation in the alcoholic by sending out these stupid inventories! BUT! Only after several weeks of continuous arguing and bickering among the TS (which we all know stands for Twisted Serpents).

2. What more can the group do to carry the message?

How about use bags? I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a zillion of those plastic bags left over from the grocery. Give me the address & I'll send 'em in.

3. Is the group attracting alcoholics from different backgrounds? Are we seeing a good cross-section of our community?

Yes. And while I appreciate your delicacy, I feel that we allow too many of those that are of "different backgrounds", as you so sweetly phrase it. I don't think we should encourage those from the 'cross section'. I have enough trouble finding clothes as it is and don't want a bunch of weirdos snapping up what few items there are in this town.

4. Do new members stick with us or does the turnover seem excessive?

I don't think this is important to sobriety. I, myself, am a restless sleeper and don't feel that the number of times I turn over is anyone's business. Well, except my hubby, but he isn't even an alkie, so why are you asking him?

5. Do we emphasise the importance of sponsorship?
No. I don't really care much for TV and this puts me at a disadvantage for trying new products. I've been a member for several months, and I've never even seen, not one time! "...and now a word from our sponsor......"

6. Anonymity issues?

This is where we excel. In fact, Talk City (provider of chat room) will protect my anonymity to the point that even I don't know who I am.

7. Kitchen/housekeeping?

This is none of your fornicating business!!! Look, I'm trying to recover here and I make sure the kid has food, clothes and gets her homework done. What my kitchen looks like, or what my housekeeping skills are, is totally irrelevant. Nosy idiots! Don't you have anything better to do?!?!

8. Are all members given the opportunity to speak at meetings and participate?

Yes. Sometimes too much. I think that BarbieTheBish talks too long when she shares. And SmidgyMidgey, whoever SHE is, shares 6-8 times during a mtg. Also, I think if you can't type more than 26 words an hour, you should be banned from the chats.

9. Service work/officers?

We all know that this is just fancy terms the Twisted Serpents use when they are trying to get into your business. Anybody comes around me with this nonsense, I'm gonna shoot 'em.

10. Are we doing all we can to provide an attractive meeting place?

Could we do something about the people chairing the meetings? They often don't comb their hair for the meetings, and some of them even wear their pajamas.

11. Three legacies?

Aren't their cousins stooges?

12. Professionals in the community?

What the heck are these? I suppose that this is a new title those darn do-gooders thought up for people who used to be referred to as "been around the block". I don't know an alkie who hasn't, but I see no need to call attention to it.

Have a good and sober day.