When someone decides to stop boozing and using and joins a recovery program, such as ETA, a whole new world opens up. It is a world filled with opportunity and learning; a world filled with new and exciting people; a world filled with freedom. Like any new world, not everything is wonderful and today's post is about one of the less-than-wonderful aspects of being clean and sober.
I don't believe that relapse is a necessary part of the recovery process but I can't deny the fact that many of the new and exciting people go back out (start boozing and/or using) again. Relapse is a very real possibility for every person in recovery, no matter how long we have been clean and sober. It is a fact of life for us (probably not one referred to in the "facts of life" talk we all got when growing up, however). When someone we know relapses it hurts and frightens us and I've heard of several people that I know going back out recently.
Most of you know that I am a user: that is who I am, that is what I do. I have never known an alcoholic or drug addict that was not a user, but not all of us are able to say so out loud. In recovery I have learned this approach: if I can't change it then how can I use it? This turns a negative into a positive especially in the case of relapse. Granted, when someone is headed for a relapse, I do and say whatever I can to guide the person back onto the path of recovery but the only sobriety I have any control over is my own. When someone gets drunk I can do nothing about it - except learn from it, which is how I use it.
Around here we are not to take another person's inventory and I try not to do so. When someone goes back out I DO pick apart the behavior of the relapse process. Where there any changes in behavior? When did the changes start? What about communication? Did the person talk more or less in ETA meetings? Did they start swearing more (I notice this one a lot), talking more forcefully, quietly or negatively? Were there any socialization changes: Isolation? Avoiding friends in recovery? Out of touch with a sponsor? Have they found a new group of friends who are not in recovery and kept separated from the ones who are? Has meeting attendance dropped off?
What about their stress level - remember that stress occurs with good things, too. New job? Going back to school? (This would not fall under a 'good thing' in my opinion.) New house? Developed a new hobby/interest that takes the place of ETA meetings? Are they easily agitated?
Of course not everyone who exhibits these changes is on the track to relapse. I say this for the analyyyzers that read this blog. (You know who you are.) I pick apart the relapse process, not the person who relapsed. I'm looking for the signals and warning signs of impending doom to put in my kit of spiritual tools. I use these tools to (hopefully) prevent myself and others from killing ourselves. I bring out the warning signs I have collected by picking apart a relapse to warn against stepping too far off the path of recovery, before we lose sight of the good things about sobriety and begin to think that boozing and/or using is a solution. I don't do this to judge someone. I do this to help all of us stay clean and sober.
I am a user: that is who I am, that is what I do.
Have a good and sober day.
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An incredible post. I think that it is interesting how all the signs can be there and yet the person will remain sober, yet still profoundly affected by alcoholism. It is a sad thing.
ReplyDeleteWow, swearing, huh? That's interesting.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to ever relapse. I mean, who in their right mind would? It felt uncomfortable to me at first to pick apart a person's behavior to see where/how the relapse started waaaay before they picked up. It felt almost like gossip at first.
But what a waste if I don't use it. At least something good can come from someone starting to relapse: someone else's sobriety being strengthened (for me, by being scared crapless or thinking "wow, what pain their loved ones are going to go through...I don't want to do that to my loved ones.") I guess that sounds harsh, but then their relapse is not a total waste.
We don't just watch the progression, Jessica, nor simply pick it apart when it happens. We take action. If someone exhibits the signs of relapse, and is in ETA, we can bring our observations to the person, reassure them we aren't saying they are in relapse mode, but that we are concerned because we have seen others with the same behavior relapse. Then we ask if they are doing okay and offer to help them with their struggles. What happens after that is up to them and the old HP, but we must extend the hand of ETA. That is our responsibility. It might tick me off to be approached in this way, but I count on the fellowship to point out what I might not be able to see in myself. I can live through getting ticked off. A relapse? Maybe not.
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