Turning Things Over

There have been a few newcomers to ETA, the recovery program to which I belong, and several of them have questioned me about turning things over. My family and friends think I should wear a sign that says, "Warning!! If you don't want to know, don't ask." But ask they did, and I answered.

They were discussing uncomfortable feelings and how to handle them now that they are clean and sober. I remember emotions in early sobriety: they are all over the place, rarely appropriate to the situation and each one feels like a stab wound because the cotton batting of substances is no longer there to provide insulation.

Most of us don't like feeling feelings. I think it's because we never figured out how to handle them. And, since we avoided them, we aren't familiar with them, either. My default emotion is anger: I believe I'm angry and act as though I'm angry whenever I am sad, frustrated, depressed, threatened, afraid, disappointed, overwhelmed, distracted or disconnected. This discovery took a lot of work. I had to have a chart that listed a bunch of emotions, when I first got sober, to help me identify what I was feeling.

The newcomers wanted to know how to unload yucky feelings and again experience the sense of ease and comfort of the pink cloud phase of sobriety. One said that she turned things over to her Higher Power and let Him deal with it. I asked which emotions she turned over. She said she just told the old HP she didn't want to feel this way anymore and scraped it off her plate on to His. The others looked at me and asked if that was the right thing to do.

What I wanted to say was, "Hell no it doesn't work! That's like getting one of those 'surprise presents' where nobody knows what is inside, and throwing it up to the sky for the old HP to catch and dispose of for you. That is really no different than stuffing or denying your feelings. We've done that before and it didn't work out so hot, did it? Avoidance of reality isn't too healthy, either."

Even though tact is not my strongest suit, I replied that this would not work for me. "Identifying my emotions and feelings is my first step towards dealing with them. We can't give away what we don't have. This means that I need to ask the old HP to help me figure out what I'm feeling and ask what action I can take to resolve the discomfort. I talk it over with my sponsor and do what she suggests. If I'm still hanging on to it then I ask the old HP to take it, help me or show me how to work through it." In other words, I can't leave some place before I even know I've arrived there.

Have a good and sober day.