Step Eight

The end of the month is looming on the horizon I thought, since I try to do the step corresponding with each month, I'd better post about step eight. In the recovery program ETA step eight is written:
"Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to all."
Well, that bites. Who wants to face those 'persons', let alone make amends?!

When I quit boozing and using and began working the steps I wanted to apologize to everyone immediately because I felt such tremendous guilt over who and what I had become. My sponsor told me that the steps were in order for a reason and we were going to work them in the order suggested. She also told me that amends and apology were two different things. This would be my fourth sponsor; I never got this far with my first three sponsors. I knew that this sponsor meant business; we'd be working the steps thoroughly. By the time I got to step eight I had been clean and sober for well over a year and was proof that quantity of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety.

As written, the step is pretty self explanatory. What this post is about it my struggles with taking step eight. This step might have been one of the best things to teach me about bending my will to align with the will of the old HP. We went round and round about it. He felt I ought to write down some names that I felt didn't deserve to have amends from me. (After all, they started it!)

Looking back to that time, it seems that I challenged the old HP on 95% of the names that ended up on that list. Knowing me, that is probably true; I can rationalize and justify practically anything. He would put a name in my head and I'd reject the idea. He'd put the name back in my head and the game was on. Into the ring I would climb, to wrestle with Him about it. It was like that wrestling on TV: We both knew who was going to be victorious, but I needed to be body slammed and take a few punches before I would concede the match. Being a loving and merciful HP, He gave them to me. How thoughtful.

Eventually, I became open minded enough to put down all the names He suggested. (Remember when I wrote: the only reason I am at all open minded is because the old HP has a crowbar? Case in point.) I also became willing to make amends to them all. The old HP helped me to see where I had been wrong and, sometimes, even suggested how I could make things right. Did I want to do the old HP's will? Uh, no. But I was willing because I might booze or use if I didn't do what He suggested. My sponsor, that turn coat, agreed with Him. Dang. I knuckled under and made the list. With such powerful support, how could I not?

Have a good and sober day.