Stealing From The Kids

Lately I've been talking to a lot of parents who are having issues with their adult (or very nearly) children. When a subject keeps popping up in my life it usually means the old HP has something He wants me to do with it. Sometimes He wants me to do some work in that area, wants the topic brought up in an ETA discussion meeting or, in this case, have it be the topic of a post. So, here I am being, once again, obedient. (No comments from the floor on that last sentence .)

When I was boozing and using, my actions did affect my relationship with my children; and everyone else that cared about me. Once I got clean and sober and began working the steps with a sponsor, my actions also affected those same people. The wrongs that I did/do left their mark. A mark is left when I do the next right thing, too. And, I don't know anyone that has not screwed up their life somehow with one thing or another. The idea is to claim responsibility for the wrongs and learn from the mistakes. Alcoholics and drug addicts do not have a corner on this market. This concept is open, I believe, to all people.

While some of my actions had a negative impact on my children, that is true of the actions of many. My children were also impacted by lousy teachers, crabby neighbors, bullies, mean bosses, the list goes on. Yet when my children, as adults, do irresponsible things, illegal things, dangerous things, run with the wrong crowd and so on, I never blame those other people. I used to take responsibility for my kid's mistakes; they do this or that because I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Luckily, I followed the suggestions of my sponsor and others in recovery and changed my perception to the following.

*I am not powerful enough to control the actions of another person.

*Taking responsibility for someone else's behavior is misdirected ego.

*It is not all about me. Sometimes it's about them!!

*In picking up the tab for someone else's mistakes, I deny them the opportunity to be responsible for themselves.

*I've already got plenty of guilt and amends to make. Let somebody else have a turn.

"Daily Reflections" is one of the meditation books many of us in ETA read every day. Even some of the ETA meetings include the day's reading in their format. On November 22, it says that there are only two sins: to interfere with the growth of myself or to interfere with the growth of another. When I jump in and claim the spotlight that rightfully belongs to another, even my kids, I am committing both sins. Dang. Another fine example of being self centered (and having no clue) that I have to let go of.

Have a good and sober day.