Alcohol Is A Killer

Alcoholism is a killer. In recovery, we hear that all the time. Usually we are talking about physical death and alcohol does take lives, it's just that it kills many things long before life is ended. Lately it seems that I'm surrounded with people who have picked up a drink/drug or are in full relapse mode. And things, important things, are dying of neglect. Because alcohol is a killer.

In one instance, two alkies/addicts moved into an apartment together a few months ago. The plan was to split expenses and offer support to each other. This was not a romantic situation. They were two people, each with over a year sobriety, trying to keep expenses down and support each other in the meantime. As usual, each was excited to be living this new sober life filled with limitless possibilities. One of them signed a six month lease. We all watched as both roommates displayed happiness, hope, enthusiasm, trust, determination and pride of accomplishment. Alcoholism killed all that. For over two months, my pigeon and I watched sober behavior deteriorate. At first it was a change in attitude (it got negative), then came the deteriorating behavior (avoiding responsibilities, inconsideration), next was blaming others and self pity. Then a new boyfriend (hint: sobriety by injection never works!), and ending with picking up a drink. The one that signed the lease, who had collected cash from the roommate and spent it on something other than rent or utilities, is the one who drank. The other is now badly shaken by the realities of relapse and living with a friend until she can save enough to get her own place.

Another friend, Barbie, just got out of jail. I don't know exactly what all the charges were, but I know there were charges from at least 4 counties and no driver's license for 10 years. Barbie was released from jail to home detention. A few days ago, I spoke with her and discovered that ETA meetings are not important until the court orders you to go to them. Her sponsor was let go because it didn't seem to Barbie like she was really "into sponsoring." Barbie has also decided that an active alcoholic boyfriend deserves another chance at true love; they are probably soul mates. She told her boss that she'd be coming back to work next week. Maybe the week after. She'll let them know. All those promises to her family? All those friendships that were established through writing to Barbie while she was in jail? The gratitude to the boss for holding her job? These things are gasping for air, crying out for the actions that will keep them alive. Chances are alcoholism will kill them.

Then we have Midge. This is a friend that lives far away. I've seen her a few times, but our friendship has been kept alive mostly through e-mail and phone calls. Early on, Midge had service commitments, a sponsor and pigeons. At some point, it became too complicated, expensive, time consuming, inconvenient, whatever, to go to an ETA meeting. Gradually, service commitments, sponsor and pigeons were let go. Sober lifelines were cut. Midge attended ETA meetings periodically for about three years then stopped altogether about a year ago. Her e-mails became less frequent and phone conversations were filled with swearing, talk of chronic overspending, self will run riot, whining, bursts of rage and apathy about her spiritual connection with the old HP. Warning!! Warning!! And believe me, I did warn her about being on thin ice. She is very smart: she said: "I know" to each alarm I voiced. She picked up this weekend. She laughed about it as she told me of her drunken adventures. I did not laugh. Alcohol killed my ability to find the situation humorous. Midge doesn't know if she wants to get sober again which means alcohol might kill the friendship, too. What in the world would I have to say to her? Her other friendships have withered, she no longer has any hobbies, her spirituality is gone and I'm not interested in hearing about drunken exploits. Call me a wet blanket.

There is a bright spot in this jungle of loss, grief and death. I'm sober!! Years ago, I gave my alcoholism and drug addiction every chance to kill me and, by the grace of the old HP, it failed to do so. ETA has taught me how to stay clean and sober one day at a time. I'm going to hang on for dear life. I hope you do, too.

Have a good and sober day.