Step 10 of the recovery program ETA states that we ought to continue to take our own inventory and promptly admit when we are wrong. Which leads us to my hiatus of weekly posts. I was on a holiday and went a whole week without access to the Internet, so the first missed post was through no fault of my own. I simply got tired of fighting with the hotel. It was ruining my vacation.
Last week was another story: I simply didn't feel like posting. I didn't feel like doing much of anything at all. I've been struggling with loss. Even though it has been 2 years since my dad died he has frequently been on my mind. Missing him makes me sad. There have been other losses I've been thinking about that also make me sad. Still, I have made a commitment to my followers that I haven't kept. Shirking responsibility is not who I'm trying to be today so I best get on the ball.
I think it would be really fun to act like step 10 was the escape hatch for doing what I want to do (read self will run riot). However, as my sponsor has encouraged me to think, this is not the case. Dang. It is simply not enough to admit a wrong and then keep doing the same thing over and over. I can clearly see where this is true about, say, stealing. Taking another's property, apologizing for doing so and taking another's property again is obviously not sober behavior. But what about other wrongs; the ones that aren't so obvious?
Things like having high expectations for those who love me. Or making demands of those I live with. For me, these defects come in all sorts of shapes and sizes so I don't always recognize them. For example: My family seems to have joined a competition to see how much garbage can be packed into the bag before taking out the trash becomes absolutely mandatory. I let them know that our household resigned from this particular contest, yet the behavior persisted. Rather than continue to nag about it, I simply ask a family member to take out the garbage or (GASP!) do it myself. I have ceased making this particular demand. Step 10, there you go.
Yet if someone leaves a rake in the yard for more than 30 minutes after the leaves are raked, I start demanding that they get up and put it away Right This Minute! Same character defect, but it has nothing to do with the trash so I don't recognize the behavior right away. It's a different shape and size, after all. This is the type of struggle I face in step 10. That's why I'll never be done working this step. Asking the old HP to help me recognize and change my penchant for being demanding and a nag helps maintain my spiritual condition. I screw up everyday so the connection I have with the old HP receives the daily attention necessary for continued sobriety.
Step 10 isn't a get-out-of-jail-free-card for indulging in old behaviors, it's the path that leads me to a closeness with my Higher Power. I'm never going to be perfect, but I was never intended to be perfect. I just keep plugging away, trying to stay clean and sober while developing a better relationship with my Creator by seeking His guidance. Luckily I have a lot of defects so I will always have something for which I'll need His help. Isn't the old HP good to me?
Have a good and sober day.
No comments:
Post a Comment