Amends, Confession and Apology

Steps eight and nine in the Alcoholics Anonymous program of recovery from alcoholism speak directly to clearing up the wreckage of our past. It is here that we begin to heal relationships and rebuild the bridges that collapsed under the weight of our active addictions. Both steps specifically state the word amends, so right away, I'm thinking they mean amends. (I'm quick like that.)

The definition of amend, as found in my dictionary, is "change something in order to improve or correct it", and the definition of amends is "restitution of a wrong." This is what these steps suggest we to do. They don't ask us to apologize or confess, although these things might occur in the course of making amends to someone, we are to change behaviors that others find harmful or do something now that we really should have done before. Pay our bills, for example.

Stopping the harmful behavior is the first step in making amends. Simply apologizing for hurting someone and then continuing to act the same way is pointless. If I cheat at cards, which I would never do in a million years, and someone calls me on it, I apologize. But an apology is pointless if I continue to cheat. Of course, eventually nobody will play cards with me so I'll stop the poor behavior, but this isn't quite what I'm talking about here. I have to make the effort to knock it off on my own. Dang. This sounds suspiciously like self discipline.

Confession is good for the soul and it does serve a purpose, but we don't unburden ourselves at the expense of another's piece of mind. "I want to apologize for talking about you after the meeting when you had to leave early." I might feel wonderful for being such a stand-up and righteous person by apologizing, but the person I talked about is left wondering what was said, who heard it and what everybody thinks about them now. This is not changing my behavior to correct a wrong, this is telling on myself so that I get rid of the guilt I'm feeling about what I did. This is selfish and the same old 'It's all about me!' attitude that got me into trouble in the first place. What I might do instead, if I need to make amends for gossiping about another, is go to each person I told the gossip to and tell them that I was wrong and had no right to say those things. I also say that I will try to not gossip in the future and then do so.

In my experience, it is very likely that someone who heard my snide or negative remarks will repeat them to the one I was gossiping about so they might confront me. That is when I admit my wrong, tell them I've admitted it to the people I told, ask what else I can do to make it right and then do it.

Boy, do I sound preacher like in todays post! I think it's because I'm rushing to get done before I have to leave for a meeting I'm chairing. So! I'll step down off my soapbox now and try not to rant and rave in my future postings. That might mean that I'll have to get up earlier so that I'm not rushed. Sigh...... Sometimes I really hate those amends steps...

Have a good and sober day.