Moods

The way my moods and emotions constantly bounced all over the place was a big struggle for me in early sobriety. For any given situation I could be laughing, crying, raging or without emotion. My responses to events were often inappropriate and rarely did I respond to something the same way twice. For example: My daughter would call saying she would get home 30 minutes late and I'd be fine with it until a few moments after the call. Then I'd start crying because her being late was going to ruin everything. And then I'd be mad at her inconsideration of others, completely forgetting that she had been considerate enough to call so that I wouldn't worry. This was maddening. My family was still waiting for the explosion to start, just like they had while I was drinking. Only this time, I was just as fearful and dreading the explosions as much as they did. The moodiness and emotional storms were unpredictable in frequency and intensity. It was a horrible time for all of us.

Finally I got a sponsor and began working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with her. When I confided in her that I was afraid I was going insane she asked for the symptoms that had led me to this belief and I told her about the emotional roller-coaster. She quickly reassured me that what I was experiencing was a normal part of recovery. We damaged our bodies including our brain and nervous system when drinking alcoholically, she explained, and the inappropriate emotional responses were the indications of my brain trying to repair itself. And while it was difficult to live with, it wouldn't last much beyond a few weeks as long as I didn't drink. When I expressed my dismay over having to wait it out she replied that there was an alternative: I could drink long enough and often enough to permanently ruin my brain and body, become wet-brain in other words, because then there would be no discomfort. She said the repair and regeneration of the nervous system only happened to alcoholics that had stopped drinking while there was still something left to salvage. But perhaps this was too uncomfortable for me and I'd prefer to be institutionalized, unable to think, walk, talk or control my bladder for the rest of my life?

Sponsors definitely have a way of changing one's perspective, don't they? Immediately, I was grateful for the emotions and mood swings and living with them for a few weeks no longer sounded all that difficult.

Have a good and sober day.