Sex

Sex: The forbidden topic! Actually, it is not forbidden exactly. We just don't like to discuss it or admit that we might not know everything there is to know about sex. When I first got sober having sex was almost as awkward as it had been the first few times as a teenager. And I'd been married for over twenty years! What was up with that?

I came to understand that sex was indeed brand new when doing it sober. At first, it was almost like my mom was watching or something equally as weird. I was embarrassed and very clumsy with it all. Why I believed the person I'd been intimate with for twenty-plus years would suddenly start rating my performance, I don't know. Good thing she didn't because there wasn't much performance in the beginning. Not many of the recovering people in Alcoholics Anonymous were comfortable discussing it and that surprised me until it occurred to me that few people are comfortable discussing sex problems except, maybe, marriage counselors.

True intimacy with another human being has always been a struggle for me. Trusting another with my deepest fears, beliefs and feelings was dang near impossible. This is still tough for me, but I'm better at it than I was before I got sober. There is a part in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says alcoholics never form a true partnership with another human being which makes sense, especially when you consider most of us don't trust anyone but ourselves! I'm pretty sure that trust is part of a true partnership.

The difference between love and lust was something else I needed to figure out. For myself, I've decided that (Keep it simple!!) love is when I'm willing to sacrifice my own wants and focus on giving to another. Lust is when what I want is all that matters. There are other differences too, but this was the basics. I had to look at sex as an expression of my love for my wife not as a simple physical release. Sex is very enjoyable and I don't want to give the impression that my needs are discounted or ignored because that isn't true. It's just that sex, like everything else, is not all about me.

Have a good and sober day.