Racing Thoughts

The symptom of early recovery that bothered me the most was having racing thoughts. It seemed like I would fixate on something negative and it would not only refuse to leave my head, it would breed like crazy. Soon my head would be full of ugly thoughts and then the trash talk would start. I'd start telling myself stuff like I was the worst person who ever lived, everybody would be better off without me, nobody loved me because I was so bad, I only knew how to hurt others and make their lives miserable, etc. I would beat myself up for anything and everything.

I couldn't prevent the negativity from starting and I couldn't stop it once it began. I'd tell myself 'don't, don't, don't!' and I would do, do, do. Then I'd start telling myself I was stupid for doing it! Seems like this went on forever but I know that's not right, although I still find myself berating me occasionally to this day. I can make my mistakes bigger than they really are and, usually, it's because my spiritual condition needs a little more maintenance.

How I eventually broke the negative thinking cycle was by giving myself something positive to think on instead. When I caught myself in negativity, I'd say a quick prayer to the old HP asking for His help. Then I'd determinedly think of something pleasant: childhood Christmas presents, vacations that I had really enjoyed, the way my grandmother's house always smelled like cookies were baking (I think this is because they usually were!), listening to the surf at one of the Great Lakes or the ocean, things like that.

The people who had gotten sober in Alcoholics Anonymous before me kept saying that they stayed sober by the grace of God. "But for the grace of God, there go I." was what they said when they heard of someone picking up a drink again. There was even a sign on the wall that said, "But for the grace of God." With all this repetition, I figured God's grace might be important, (am I a quick study or what?) so I started asking the old HP for grace. Then I started singing the song "Amazing Grace"sometimes when I wasn't even in church. (The story about the origin of "Amazing Grace" was told in an earlier post.)

Step two says: Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Today I know that asking the old HP for help and then resolutely turning my thoughts towards Him is how the second step is worked. I still work it this way today. Because when I do, the negative thinking that leads me to insanity is stopped. Every time.

Have a good and sober day.