39 Lashes

Today is a Christian Holy Day. It is the anniversary of the day that Christ was betrayed, arrested, suffered 39 lashes with a whip to His back, was crucified and died for our sins thus granting us forgiveness. Many religions encourage us to reflect on our sinfulness and contemplate what a great sacrifice Christ made for that sinfulness.

Contemplating, reflecting and focusing on my sins tends to quash my spirit because I easily turn my thoughts on sins into weapons and begin to beat myself up for not being sin free. When I came into the recovery program ETA I was already a master of negativity, self hatred and self criticism. I don't need any help with that. Nor do I need any encouragement to start belittling myself. However, this is what happens on days like today. I didn't even go to see the movie "Passions of the Christ" because I knew I would be filled with guilt at what Christ went through because I was bad.

When I started working the steps of the recovery program ETA with a sponsor I began to learn how to see myself as a sick person trying to get well, not a bad person trying to become good. I also developed a Higher Power who loves me no matter what I have or haven't done. The people in ETA loved me and taught me how to love myself. You taught me how to think positively and to live in today; not in the past, not in the future. You gave me a new perspective and gave me a glorious set of spiritual tools with which to handle life on life's terms. Living life with out boozing and/or using.

So on days like today, when I'm tempted to think I'm worthless, unlovable and undeserving of happiness; when painful memories of past drunkenness flash through my brain like a slide show, I stop myself and thank the old HP that I am no longer the person I was when boozing and using.

It isn't about whether I'm Christian, it isn't about whether I'm religious, it isn't about whether I make mistakes or commit sins. It IS about my being a child of the old HP who loves me unconditionally and wants me to walk beside Him as I trudge the road of happy destiny. By His grace and my willingness, because you taught me how, I can do that.

Have a good and sober day.