Suggestion

The past few Friday posts have been humorous experiences in sobriety or poking fun at the way alcoholics think. I find the alcoholic mind fascinating and the way we think to be charming, especially when you consider that in step 2 we ask to be restored to sanity. Honestly, have you ever met an alcoholic who was sane? (I'm talking about sober alcoholics; those who have yet to achieve sobriety are simply tragic.)

This post is about something that happened in early sobriety. I was telling this story to someone and they suggested I write about it so here I am being obedient once again.

The legal consequences of boozing and using are what brought me to the recovery program ETA, but I also had a few hoops to jump through in order to keep my professional license. There happened to be several women in the same profession who were new to recovery and we tended to stick together. One of our professional consequences required us to travel to the State Capitol every month and we rode down together.

The interstate leading to the Capitol was under construction. In my experience, the interstate leading to any State Capitol is always under some kind of construction. It is just the way it is. There were three alcoholics and one normie (she rode along because we were also going shopping) in the car on this trip. We had made the drive many times before. We knew about the construction.

Knowing about it is not the same thing as planning for it. The trip usually lasted about 2 1/2 hours. We all knew we would be in the car for that length of time. Did we make any adjustments to the amount of coffee we drank before or during the trip? No. It never even occurred to us to do so.

We are zipping along the highway making good time. The driver, Barbie, feels that speed limits are for other people to obey. Everyone knows that alcoholics are above the law. We come upon a traffic jamb. We are sitting there for several minutes when Barbie announces she needs to go to the bathroom. The other alcoholic, Midge, says she also has to go. We packed thermos' of coffee while failing to consider the logical outcome. And we have no provisions for said outcome.

Minutes tick by. Traffic doesn't move an inch. Barbie and Midge start discussing how badly they need to go, which (surprise!!) turns out to be not at all helpful. They continue to consume coffee. Midge starts to squirm. The normie, a trouble maker if there ever was one, starts talking about rivers and waterfalls. Then she suggests they squat on the side of the road.

There is tall grass on the side of the road, but it plunges down into a ravine. I have no doubt Barbie and Midge could get down there. I also have no doubt they couldn't get back up. I frown at the normie who begins to laugh wickedly. So do Barbie and Midge, the idiots! Laughing has always helped me not to pee my pants; how about you?

Now they really have to go. They decide to walk back to a motor home stuck in traffic behind us to see if they can use their facilities. Both of these women have worked step 2 but are obviously keeping it secret. Leaving the car running, they set out on their quest for a bathroom. I'm stuck in the back seat with the still laughing normie. Who labeled these people? They might not drink alcoholically, but they are definitely not normal!

We sit there for about 5 minutes and then, of course!, traffic begins to move. I climb out of the back and get into the drivers seat. The worthless normie still thinks she is watching a comedy. I drive past the construction (that caused the whole mess in the first place) and immediately pull over and stop. The targeted motor home goes by and I have no idea if our friends are inside. Do I follow it? Do I wait? Are Barbie and Midge being kidnapped? What should I do?

While puzzling over my options, I'm startled by a knock on the window. It is a State Trooper. He asks what I'm doing. I tell him that he really doesn't want to know. "Try me," he says. Well, okay, but remember, you did ask for it. I launch into an explanation of facts as I know them. When I finish, he just stares at me for a long moment. His expression indicates that he is not a happy Trooper. I'm starting to get nervous and he finally speaks: "You were right. I didn't want to know." Thankfully, he walked away.

After a few more minutes, just as I'm about to stuff the hyena in the back seat into the trunk (Trooper or no Trooper), I spot Barbie and Midge, about half a mile back, trudging the road to happy destiny. Falling into the car, they explain that the original motor home owners denied access to their bathroom so they walked even farther back to another one! Twice! Ending up about a mile from where they left the car. I'd driven forward, which made the journey even longer.

They still had to pee because nobody would let them inside their motor home. Barbie and Midge both seemed incredulous at this blatant display of inconsideration and selfishness but I understood the refusals. I wanted to deny them access to the car and it wasn't even my car!

At the next exit, we found a bathroom. It was the highlight of the trip. No wonder we alcoholics need to be reminded to Keep It Simple!!!


Have a good and sober day.