In the recovery program ETA we are told that we ought not close our minds to all spiritual concepts, if we want to stay clean and sober. When I first got here, I believed that God could help me but I believed He would not. (One definition of an agnostic.) I had "proof" that He would not. Look at the trouble I was in and the mess I had made of my life. Had I not cried out to Him to ease the pain of living? Had I not begged Him for release from the hell of alcoholism and drug addiction? I could not see why He had inflicted such a curse upon me. Obviously, He didn't love me.
The steps talked about a Higher Power and you weren't fooling me! I knew who you were talking about. If I had to rely on God for sobriety, I was sunk. For years I had seen others glow with the peace and serenity of knowing God and I seethed with jealousy. What made them so special? I had gone to church and said my prayers just like they said they were doing but there was no happy result for me.
Since I couldn't 'win' (be successful at gaining peace and serenity), I wouldn't play. So there! Take that! I broke up with God. He didn't treat me right. Believe it or not, I was an adult when I did this. Such grown up thinking and behavior. I know how impressed you must be.
To achieve (and maintain) sobriety, I had to become honest, open minded and willing. Willingness was a given. I didn't want to go to prison. Honesty? I've made great strides in that area, too, though I still struggle with it at times. Mostly by not telling the whole truth and/or nothing but the truth.
But let's face it: The only reason I am at all open minded is because the old HP has a crow bar.
Have a good and sober day.
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LOL. the old HP has a crow bar. love it!
ReplyDeleteI remember telling my counselor the elaborate theory I had about what my HP was (it involved Jungian theory and cosmic consciousness and was very intricate and detailed) and when I got done explaining my HP to her she said, "so do you see this HP helping you?" and I was completely stumped. I hadn't even considered it! LOL!
ReplyDeleteEm - I like the visual: First, the old HP cracks me a good one right there on my noggin, then rams the end of the bar in the crack and pulls back while yelling to an angel, "Pour the new idea in quick! Hurry!"
ReplyDeleteStark:, He developed this new idea, which he put into practical application years later? LOL
I might have been open-minded as a kid, but man, I tell you, once I learned a few things I didn't like about God...all deals were off. Good thing I have this program to challenge and tear down those lies I learned about my HP.
ReplyDeleteStark: I had a hang up on the intellectual perception too! My concept might have sounded good on paper, but it was a failure in practice. Kind of like communism. LOL